I find that it is almost impossible to do good parenting work when I am not feeling well, either mentally or physically. If I am sick, or stressed out, or just really tired, being a parent is painful for me, and no fun for my daughter either. Of course, all work is difficult under these circumstances, but I'm talking about something more specific than having to push yourself through discomfort or fatigue. I'm talking about the fact that being a good parent requires a positive attitude - a certain kind of positive attitude.
When I'm down, I can take the exact same actions I do normally, but they just don't work. I can change a diaper and cook a dinner, but if I'm not having fun, my daughter doesn't have fun either. This sets up a bad cycle of grumpiness where battles and tantrums (for both of us) are inevitable.
Especially at my daughter's age of 2 1/2, so many problems are easily solved with fun. When I was brushing her teeth last night she started to get testy. (As an aside - can you blame her? Can you imagine if you had to let somebody else brush your teeth every day? I call this one of the "indignities" of being young, just like having her diaper changed. She's old enough to do much of the work herself, but I still have to get into her personal business. I go out of my way to respect her boundaries as much as possible in these cases.) So she got testy, and I almost said to her, "this is serious now," but as I said the word "serious" I realized that it really wasn't, and I changed my tone in mid-sentence and made it a joke. "This is serious beeeees-neees. Look at my serious face." And I made a funny face and she cracked up and we had a great time finishing up with her teeth.
When I'm down, this isn't going to happen naturally. If I'm in a bad mental state, I am less likely to think of interesting new things to do, I am less active, and I'm withdrawn from Samantha, emotionally. You can't engage a toddler with, "let's just lie on the couch and relax today," when they have a driving need to explore, to do, to play, and to interact with the people they are close to. Being a parent means entering this world with your child. In normal circumstances, it's pretty easy. When you don't have the energy to cross that divide, it is torture.
Sometimes I can fake it and sometimes I can't. I don't think I have a duty to fake it for my daughter's sake - I think it's ok for her to see me in different moods and states. But it sure makes life easier for me if I can fake it up front rather than suffer even more later, after the situation has degraded.
Parenting is work, but it is also a relationship. I suppose there are other careers that require that same level of connectedness: nurses, actors, and teachers all have to relate to others as a primary function of their jobs. But I've never had a job like this before. Even when I was sick, I could write some code, participate in meetings, and do whatever the heck else I used to do when I worked. I might have been a bit slower, or I might have had to put off a particularly hard task for another time, or I might have even pissed off some co-workers, but none of those things caused feedback that made me feel and perform even worse.
Being a professional parent doesn't come with sick days. It doesn't even come with sick moments. But isn't that yet another way that being a parent makes you a better person? When you stop having fun, you get instant, negative feedback. And when you do the work to cross that divide into your child's world - that benevolent, fascinating, fun world - you get to live there.
So true. My life is so much easier when I remember to make things funny or silly, or even just entertaining. If I don't, we just end up butting heads. Homeschool is difficult for me in this way. I am not a fun homeschool mom for the most part.
ReplyDeleteThough I do have times, now that the kids are older, where I can tell them that I need time alone because I am so angry, sad, upset, etc. For instance, I was driving home tonight after a really slick snowfall. I requested total silence from the backseat because my stress level was very high. They (mostly) complied. Being older helps a bit with what I can and can't expect that they'll understand.
Amy - I can totally relate, and find this post very helpful. I've been up a lot at night with my month-old son, and all of us have been sick for about 14 days (better now.) I can totally tell that a bad night with the baby means a less energetic and less happy me - and a day where, because I am not as engaged and active as I would like, my 2-year old daughter will be a lot less happy than normal, and throw a lot more tantrums. It's hard to do the faking, though - I think kids are really good at empathy, too - and my daughter can tell a lot of times when I am not fully in the moment with her, even when I try to do funny things as normal.
ReplyDeleteI agree--and I so feel for single parents in this aspect because it's even harder to keep up your stamina or find "me" time when there's just one of you.
ReplyDeleteKim - I do the same even with Sam at this age, but I think you're right, that it will be easier when she understands more. I think kids seeing different moods, and knowing that it's ok to feel rotten sometimes, is important.
ReplyDeleteHeike - Oh no, sick with new baby and toddler. I can't imagine! I'm thinking of you (and just a bit beind on email!) You're right about faking it. Sometimes I fake it successfully, and sometimes not at all. But when it is successful, it's because I went from faking it to feeling it. That definitely happens. I force myself into it, and then suddenly, I'm right there, enjoying it.
Michelle - Thanks for putting this in perspective. I am married to a wonderful man who has flexible work hours and I have only one child. And it's still so hard. I think of single parents often, and also, Jon and Kate Gosselyn, with their 8 kids.