Monday, February 9, 2009

Don't Call Me Stupid

Michelle at Scribbit has an excellent post today about how the word "stupid" has become the new f-word.  (There's also a fun poll at the end.) 

When I first started hanging out with parents and their kids I was shocked when they would reprimand the children for saying things like, "That show was stupid."  Even when a small child would say something like, "He's a stupid-face," the reaction was way out of line with the offense, along the lines of, "We don't use that word!  That is a naughty word!"

I don't believe in naughty words at all.  There are words that should be used sparingly, and with careful consideration of the audience.  These are curse words, and they are used for shock value.  If you use them too often, you lose the effect.  There are other words that can only be used to hurt and have no other purpose; the n-word comes to mind, and I'm sure there are others.  Even in this case, though, I wouldn't focus on the word but the intention, meaning, and effects, in guiding my child on this issue.  Of course, part of this would be explaining how and why a word like the n-word has become so hurtful, but I would not go about this by "banning" the word.

When I was pregnant, I thought that at some point Adam and I would have to clean up our language to keep bad words away from Samantha.  We have naturally started cursing a bit less around her, but we do not hold back when we want to use a curse word in an appropriate way.  That is pretty rare.  She's probably heard them all at some point by now, if not from us, than from other kids at school.  I have no problem with that.  At some point we'll have to teach her about how others perceive certain words, but I think it's pointless to try to keep a toddler from repeating things they are sure to hear all around them.  Kids also seem to pick up the words that are said with the most emotion.  Sam loves to repeat things like, "Hyper spaz," and "Aw, shucks!" (which I used in a story I made up - shucks is a word I would never use in real life!)

Luckily, since we haven't made a big deal out of any particular word, she hasn't used curse words to get attention, although I know she might some day.

Michelle's most interesting point is one that I hadn't thought of, though.  She contends that "the trend to vilify 'stupid' represents the shift in societal values."  In the new values, she says, it's ok to be crass, vulgar, and overtly sexual, but it is not ok to be intolerant.  How true this is, and what a great insight.  You can even see this phenomenon in the comments on her post.  Many people seem to think it is ok to label an action stupid, but not a person.  While it is true that it is important to distinguish between the two, and it takes a whole lot of stupid actions to make up a stupid person, as Michelle says, some people are indeed stupid, and it's important for children to learn how to identify this.  Judging people is a difficult and extremely important skill.  When we try to ban a legitimate concept, or "labeling," as many people like to call it, we set up a horrible disconnection from reality in our kids.  What is, is, and kids know it.  When they are not allowed to state what they know in their minds, it can only damage them.

Another point I would make is that "stupid" is a low-level concept.  If you are not familiar with Ayn Rand's epistemology, this means that a person does not need a lifetime of experience to understand what it means, whereas you need much more data and integrations to understand concepts like "inane" and "ludicrous," which Michelle says some parents try to use as substitutes.  Kids can identify "stupid" based on early observations of people's behavior.  This grocery store checkout clerk is slow and has to ask his boss many questions and he doesn't know what cauliflower is, while the other one is quick and notices the coupon on your package of meat.  When a child recognizes the difference and calls the first one stupid, he might not be correct in an adult context - we know that the first clerk might be sick, or angry at his boss, or any number of different things.  We might think he is probably stupid, but we wouldn't say it out loud because we're not sure and there is no reason to go out of our way to be impolite.  But when a child makes that identification, he is integrating what he knows, and that should be encouraged.  Of course, the parent's reaction depends on the child's age, and some guidance is necessary.  At the youngest age, I'd leave out the idea of politeness which is a concept learned much later.  I might ask what he saw that made him say so (just to make sure it is a real integration and not attention-seeking) and leave it at that.  An older child might be encouraged to think of alternate possibilities, or to be polite.

All-in-all, cursing is a non-issue in our house.  Sam dropped the f-bomb the other day.  She was in the tub and just started saying, F-you, F-you.  I asked her if she heard that at school and she said yes.  I left it at that because she's not old enough for me to even ask her yet if she knows what it means.  She's just parroting and playing with sounds and looking for reactions.  If she says it in the grocery store, I don't really care either.  Other people's opinions, be damned!

21 comments:

  1. We have the same ideas about swearing. I don't see the point in restricting the kids from saying those words....although I say them less often than I used to. After Ryan (at the age of 3) said, "G&*Dammit!" loudly at a soccer game when someone on the other team scored a goal, we had a talk about keeping those words at home. It's never been a problem--they get the distinction between words that are kind of rude and words that aren't. But I also don't stress too much if they forget and say them elsewhere.

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  2. Good thing you bleeped yourself, Jenn, since I block swear words from my comments. What a hypocrite I am! Ha.

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  3. Glad you found it interesting--thanks for the mention.

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  4. The whole subject of profanity as regards to parenting strikes me as an optional matter. I wouldn't assume that someone who doesn't allow "stupid" is preaching egalitarianism and relativism, just as I wouldn't immediately suspect nihilism or hedonism if a parent allowed their children to channel George Carlin.

    Or are you saying that this is not optional and that those parents are bad parents?

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  5. I say banning the word stupid is wrong. I do not think it is optional, for the reasons I gave. However, just as not all stupid actions mean a stupid person, I do distinguish a wrong action from a bad parent. I would not say somebody is a bad parent simply for banning the word stupid. But I would encourage them to rethink their position.

    Now as for profanity, which is separate from the word stupid, which is NOT profanity, I think there is much more room for options. The part I wrote about profanity is my opinion. However, I would say that excessive focus on teaching a child that certain words are "bad" is wrong, especially if it comes from a religious foundation, or any kind of idea that the words are instrinsically bad. But that would be the extreme case.

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  6. Thank you for your clarification. I'm sorry if my previous comment came off as harsh or aggressive. It was actually just a slight confusion on my part.

    Our children are not allowed to call each other stupid or refer to other people as stupid. As they are all under the age of 5, we do not think they have sufficient context to make a meaningful evaluation of another's intelligence or to assess the lack of thinking that preceded an action. We don't harp on it and it is very much not a problem--they hear others say it and they report it back to us (while saying the word).

    It is not an inherently bad word; it is a rude word that is all too commonly used (and quickly trotted out) by kids because it assaults someone's intelligence. No one wants to be considered stupid just as no one wants to be considered retarded, another common epithet. I would agree with the position that, by and large, kids should restrict the word to describe actions until they are able to evaluate the whole of someone's psycho-epistemology as opposed to a singular data point of ignorance or wayward thinking.

    I can also assure you that neither I nor my wife are subjectivist egalitarians, seeking to re-mold our children as non-judging blobs of conformity.

    As a side note, I will consider myself encouraged to re-think my position but I will politely decline as I have given the matter considerable thought already.

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  7. Bill, interesting point. If stupid is used like the n-word...just to hurt...then the kids need instruction. My daughter is so young I may be lacking real understanding of what happens with that word. If she uses it to inflict hurt with no valid (for her age) judgment, then that would not be ok. (I'm not sure at what age she'll be capable of using it properly.) But I still would never ban the word, or even make an issue about the particular word. I'd focus on why she felt she wanted to hurt someone. Glad to have your comments and no offense taken.

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  8. My main concern in raising the question was that you were appearing to impute irrational motivation based on hearing someone reprimand her child for using that word. I have noticed a tendency among many, many people to divine malice or whole backstories from single anecdotes, ignoring the context that could reasonably be present for a more benign or benevolent explanation. On matters of moral concern, you don't need to know the context to judge an action or behavior as wrong or immoral. But when things are optional, it's vital.

    I'm not ascribing this to you, as you likely have plenty of context about these other women. (That was the source of mild confusion I alluded to above.) In taking "judge and be prepared to be judged" to heart, many miss the distinction that optional choices require a "for thee but not for me" approach. There's a blog entry for me brewing here.

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  9. Yes, Bill, judging people's parenting skills is done way too quickly and without enough information. Myself not excluded, although I've improved since I had a child. However, I still stand by what I've said here on this issue.

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  10. That's fine by me! I think your opinion was one of the better ones I've encountered on the subject, for what that's worth.

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  11. In a different context--writing and formal speaking in the process of philosophical or intellectual activism--I reject words that are insulting:

    http://aristotleadventure.blogspot.com/search/label/insults

    Beyond insults are street words (deliberate slang) and gutter words (usually words referring materialistically to body parts or excrement). I wonder at the state of mind of individuals who use such words. The only appropriate time for such words might be in a personal situation (not communication) where one is caught by surprise in a damaging situation: e.g., carrying a bowl of tomato soup to the dinner table across a newly cleaned white rug--and having the family cat trip you up and causing you to spill the soup. "Oh, ___! (Fill in the blank with whatever comes to mind as a literally thoughtless expression of exasperation.)

    There is a sort of Gresham's Law of vocabulary: In serious communication, words that demean, insult or are merely bursts of emotion tend to drive out words that label thoughts worthy of consideration.

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  12. "Gresham's Law of vocabulary": I love it! Excellent integration, Burgess...

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  13. Burgess - Great point! Like you said, yours is an analysis from a different context, but it is connected to my post. Swearing or hurling insults when trying to commincate ideas is a sign of intellectual laziness, as is exaggeration, which is a personal fault of my own that I'm working on. Since you pointed it out, I've set up a standing order for the future with my daughter that, although I won't ban particular words, I will be on the lookout for this form of emotionalism.

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  14. [...] Don’t Call Me Stupid posted by Amy Mossoff at The Little Things, about “how the word ’stupid’ has [...]

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  15. Let me make this simple, " do as I say but not as I do", or "you can say this word in the right context" or "Even thou most of society thinks this is a bad word, use it anyway, I will not band it from our house" is probably going to cause you future problems.

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  16. Oh, that was so tempting, but I'll restrain myself.

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  17. [...] my blog by sitting down at a computer and seeking electronic advice for a serious problem: “People call me stupid.”  I don’t think my blog can help them.  At least, I hope [...]

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  18. I as a parent I do say stupid myself when I see people doing something "stupid" or see something nonsense on tv. And my child approached me and said "Mommy stupid? What do you mean stupid?" Then I asked myself, what did I mean when I said stupid? How do I explain it to them? So I said, the person did something "messed up" or "meaningless".. After that I heard one of them said the word stupid about something. I told them don't say stupid because that is not a "good" word, just say something like "messed up" or "nonsense". I also thought why am I not allowing them to say it when it was not meant to harm or insult? Well it's because when they start using it, it will be so easy for them to refer somebody else "stupid" when I am not around and when they are around other kids and when they hear it more from other kids. For me it is a "negative" word, if they can use a different word that is better understood then use it. I don't want them to use it to describe other people because they don't know a better word to describe them. If they are talking about another kid who didn't understand what they are doing then just say "he didn't understand us" not "he is stupid". They are too young to use negative words like that. If they get used to using words like that then what more when they are older. They can use it when they are older but not now. ANd because of that, I also need to watch myself as a parent. Just my 2 cents.

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  19. Great post, Amy! Thanks for sending a link. I would like to add that words follow your concepts and values. If a parent focuses on raising a child who is kind, benevolent, considerate, etc (and models that), the rude inconsiderate words will fall away. If you focus on the words instead, you have no guarantee that you are doing any good in bringing up the kind of person you want!

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  20. Kids are people too. They can think and feel things. Talking to kids like they are stupid isn't right - how would you feel if a kid assumed you were stupid because you were an adult? Kids have opinions and should have a right to say what they think and be taken seriously, like adults.

    In case you're wondering, I'm a kid! I'm only 10 years old! I typed every single word up there! Someone tell me now that kids are stupid!

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