I peed on a stick this morning. That's 2 months of failure now. I'm not surprised this month, though, since Adam was away on a business trip during the crucial time. I have more hope this coming month because we were successful in month number 3 both of the previous times. The other key ingredient was the ovulation predictor kit, which worked on the first try both other times, so I'm pulling that tool out of the box next time too.
If you've done the math you may be wondering what happened to the other pregnancy. Something bad happened. Something really bad. Not a miscarriage. At twenty weeks, I had the ultrasound that told us we were having a girl, but there were some anomalies. So, I had an amnio. Waiting the 10 days for the results was hard, but they came back normal. Then we had to wait through another 3 weeks of torture to have another ultrasound, and that's when we found out that the baby was horribly disfigured. We got a second opinion just in case, but we knew what we had to do. I would never give birth to a child with Down's, and this was probably worse, although we couldn't know for sure since it wasn't a recognizable condition or syndrome. If the baby made it to term at all, it might have even endangered my health to give birth - at least that's what the good doctors told the religious nuts on the Board of the hospital, who would presume to tell me what the rest of my life must be. You see, I was just about to enter the 3rd trimester.
The doctor gave the baby a lethal injection and I gave birth to a dead baby the next day. I was so scared to look at her, but I did. She never could have lived - not a real life - but she wasn't a monster either. I'm so glad I looked at her or I would have had a black hole of terror inside me forever. The autopsy didn't tell us anything about why it happened. It could have been a combination of our genes, which would mean that it could happen again, or it could have been something that went wrong after conception, in which case it would be very unlikely to happen again. We waited 3 months and started over and ended up with Samantha, who is perfectly healthy. Still, that doesn't rule out the possibility that we have a lethal combination of genes; it just makes it less likely.
I've had to work really, really hard at not allowing that experience to cripple me with fear. I'd had very little experience with death before that, and it was a hard way to join the club. I didn't feel like I was truly pregnant with Sam until we had a clean 20 month ultrasound, which was a shame because I did love being pregnant. I know if I get pregnant again, it will be the same. Most people wait until the 12 week mark to make any announcements because the chances of a miscarriage are so high up until that point. I figure that by the time I'm 20 weeks along and feeling comfortable, I'll be as big as a house already anyway, so I might as well lay it all out from day one.
Since nobody likes to be pitied and we hide early miscarriages, I had no idea how common they were. After our experience, it seemed like every woman I knew told me about their miscarriages. If they hadn't had a miscarriage, they had fertility issues. Despite all the racy jokes to the contrary, the process of making babies is a terrible, difficult thing. And now, I'm 39. Doctors call that, "advanced maternal age," and it comes with all sorts of fun stuff to worry about. I was in that category last time too, but at 36, it was borderline. Now I'm clearly past the time when making babies is supposed to be easy.
So I'm excited to try to make another one, but I'm going to be on-edge for a while, no matter what happens.
I want to conclude this story with one observation. As bad as our first pregnancy experience was, I thank my lucky stars that I was born in this age of modern medicine. My baby's problem was diagnosed before she was born, allowing me to save her, my husband, and myself from the unimaginable misery that would have ensued should she had lived. I had an abortion. I'm proud of it, and so very thankful for the doctors who helped me through it. And now when I hear anti-abortion advocates calling abortion immoral, I get angry. I get head-spinning, stomach-churning angry because I remember the 3 hours I spent in the doctor's office, waiting for the lethal injection. The 3 hours that it took to clear the procedure through the Catholic Board of Directors. The 3 worst hours of my life.
Wow. Thanks for sharing that story. I applaud your courage in doing what was surely the best thing, even though it must have been very very hard both to decide to do it, and then to go through with it -- and have to fight against religious nuts along the way to boot.
ReplyDeleteI suspect you are right that these sorts of baby-making problems are more common than one naively thinks, largely because people tend to keep these kinds of stories to themselves (either because, sadly, they are unreasonably ashamed for doing just what they should have done, or because they think -- perhaps correctly, perhaps not -- that it's easier to keep it bottled up). We had some kind of "near miss" when we first started trying; probably it was a successful conception followed by a spontaneous and very early miscarriage. (Though it may also have just been a false positive from the pee-on-a-stick test, followed by an anomalously long period between, well, periods.) Then we eventually had success again, and it led to a beautiful baby boy who is now almost 3.
Our second boy (now 14 months) was diagnosed with having one non-functioning kidney while still in utero. He's otherwise healthy, though we did struggle with some still-undiagnosed (and, we hope, spontaneously resolved) health issues during his first year.
We have a good friend who went through a whole pregnancy, gave birth, and then lost the baby about an hour after delivery to a heart condition that could have been fixed if it had been diagnosed in utero (but it wasn't the sort of thing there'd have been any reason to check for). They tried again and now have a perfect one-year-old daughter, and are contemplating another.
So, yeah, making babies is not an exact science. You should be proud not only of the way you handled the first attempt, but also of having the courage to try again afterwards and then doing such a fantastic job parenting Sam -- who will, I'm sure, make a splendid older sister someday soon.
Amy, thanks for sharing your very personal and important story.
ReplyDeleteAmy, thanks for sharing this story.
ReplyDeleteI thought I'd add to the topic about miscarriages based on what I've learned in medical school. When I was studying genetics they told us that an estimated 16% of pregnancies result in "spontaneous abortion" because there is some genetic defect (often random and new) that would not allow the fetus to be viable. The reason this number is estimated is because often women have miscarriages VERY early and don't even know it. They just think that their period came a little early or late that cycle. Also, interestingly, only about 0.3% of babies with Down's syndrome and other polyploidies (more than two chromosomes) make it to term. The other 99% spontaneously abort before the third trimester and the others are still born. This is a somewhat more reliable number based on a prospective study of many women who underwent prenatal testing early in their pregnancy. Still the study couldn't include women who had had "pre-clinical abortions" before they could even know that they were pregnant.
This information was all new and very surprising to me to learn and I do think that if more women knew about this it would be easier for them to deal with tragedies like the one you experienced.
Colleen, that reminds me of another interesting part of the story. I was taking an Intro to Genetics course during that pregnancy. So I learned all about all of these horrible things that can happen: the polyploidies (although we called them trisomies - fascinating stuff), the agents that can cause mutations, the incredibly delicate process of the whole thing, especially early on when cells are dividing like mad. I also learned about the problems of "advanced maternal age" and miscarriage rates. Still, I didn't freak out and made it through those first 12 weeks without much stress. Then this happened and I just couldn't believe that it was none of those things, but something off the charts and completely unknown. But I was really glad that I had the knowledge from that course when we discussed things with the doctors. Our second opinion was from a geneticist who had no idea how to talk to laymen. Adam had no idea what he was talking about and Adam is not ignorant. But I got most of it. That was a good thing.
ReplyDeleteI left a comment on FB, too, but wanted to comment here, too. It really is amazing when you think about it, that the miscarriage rate isn't higher (although it may partly be due to an estimation error as Colleen said above). I had four pregnancies that resulted in three healthy children (the other pregnancy was a first trimester miscarriage). Really, that's a good run, you know? Especially because I was afflicted with Advanced Maternal Age the final time around!
ReplyDeleteWhen I consider the complexity involved in creating one of these little stinkers, ah, children, I cherish them all a little bit more. :o)
Thanks for sharing this story.
Amy, thanks for sharing your story. I love reading your blog and your candid, personal and honest portrayal is a big part of why. Thanks! Gaia
ReplyDeleteThanks for all the kind comments, everyone. Another interesting point: a lot of the doctors and literature said that trying for another child too soon would be a mistake - that it wouldn't allow us time to mourn. We waited three months for medical reasons, but started trying again immediately after that. That was the best thing we could do. It might take longer if, like Travis' friend, you had an actual baby and it died, but just losing the potential was not like losing an actual person. Really, what we lost was our time. I felt like I had lost a year of my life. The sooner we could try again, the better.
ReplyDeleteThank you for this Amy!
ReplyDeleteWishing you and your family the very best.
Hey Amy,
ReplyDeleteHow awful. I had a miscarriage before my first daughter and stillbirth between my two daughters. The baby died in utero at 38 weeks. We went through a full induction and labor. I also did not want to see the baby at all (at that point, 'the dead thing inside me'). Aside from a cleft palate, the baby looked normal, but a little off. An autopsy result showed it was a trisomy 13 genetic defect. I was 27 and there was no history of genetic abnormality that we knew of.
Though I wish I never had to deal with it, I am glad the baby died before birth than the alternative of living a few short months to an entire year before inevitably dying. I also chose a route that some might consider harsh. I did not name it. I did not bury it. I sent it out with the rest of the hospital's medical waste. I do not have a "ghost" in my house or my family's life.
At 38 weeks, though the baby had not been born, I was attached to it. If I had a diagnosis of some disability at that time, instead of the death, I don't know if I would have terminated, even though every woman should be able to.
I did the same thing as you--got right back into the saddle and had my second girl. I couldn't bring myself to wait 20 weeks for an amnio. I did a CVS test at 12-13 weeks with both of my two later pregnancies. The results were turned around in less than 10 days and that still would have allowed me to terminate using a D&C (I believe).
On to happier news, I hope to hear of a another pregnancy soon!
All the best,
Kim
Kim, Thanks for sharing your story. 38 weeks. Trisomy 13. That is so terribly hard. Damn, it's just awful. Good for you for not wallowing! I think I'll probably do the CVS this time around too, even though it would not have identified the problem with our first pregnancy.
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing your story. Last fall, I received some notoriety (and a couple of death threats) because I publicly defended a woman's right to abort a child with Downs Syndrome if the woman determined it to be in her rational self-interest. I specifically argued that such a choice was moral which of course made the anti-abortion lobby go bonkers as they believe that sacrifice is the only moral end. Yet as you so eloquently show, such hard choices are both moral and necessary—that is, if healthy and happy human life is one's measure of value.
ReplyDeleteThanks, Nick. I remember the controversy but I didn't follow it closely. And you're damn right it was the moral choice.
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