Okay, now you can all congratulate me. I'm pregnant. And we're having twins!
Oh, I guess it's not really earth shattering news for you anymore, huh? But it is for me. This is the day I've been working towards for almost two years now. I'm past the miscarriage zone, or far enough for my comfort, anyway. Both babies are perfect, with perfect little heartbeats, growing at the perfect rate, and living in a perfect environment. I will no longer qualify that statement with "for now" or by saying, "things can still go wrong." No, I'm past that. We are going to have two more children. It's going to happen! Ack! I can hardly believe it!
So, two more. Hmmm. I'm still ambivalent about the whole twins thing. I mean, I was supposed to be an expert this time around. I was supposed to be one of those other moms - you know, the ones with more than one child who watch their toddler falling on her face and don't even twitch unless they see blood. The ones who walk through the supermarket with kids hanging off all sides of the cart and a baby in a sling nursing while they chat on the phone and point to items on the shelves that the oldest child dutifully picks up and puts in the cart. The ones that don't feel the need to talk about every little logistical problem with bottles and car seats and toilets because, well, Been There Done That And It's Really Not All That Exciting, Folks. The ones with the experience. The ones who know what the hell they are doing. The Others.
But that is not going to be me, ever. I'm going to be just as clueless this time around, because just about everything is different with twins. I mean, I guess some of my experience will help. One big thing that I'll know this time around is that whatever it is that seems impossibly difficult or painful or stressful will pass. I will not be stuck in the house forever. I will regain all of my old values, eventually. The babies will someday learn to use the toilet. I'll also know that I am capable. I know I can do this, even with two little ones plus Sammy. But other than that, I'm like a new parent. Breastfeeding is a whole new mysterious realm, when I imagine having to feed two. Where will they sleep? How will I manage to carry two little babies and a double stroller out my front door? Can we afford this? How do you soothe two crying babies at once? Will we be able to travel? When do I get to shower?
That's all the negative stuff. The obvious positive is: two new human beings that I get to watch grow up! I really do want that. It's hard to imagine that I could have two more relationships like the one that I have now with Sam. But if it's true, and you really can love more without losing anything, my life will be unimaginably rich.
And hell, I kind of like the idea of being clueless again. That's part of what makes it all so exciting! I get to delve into a whole new world - again. My life will be filled with huge new challenges, and I'll meet them - again. I'll be surprised and delighted (and pained and stressed) at all the things I never anticipated - again. And that's what I wanted from the start - to do it all again.
I feel very lucky that I'm going to get to experience two very different age-gaps amongst my children. Sam will be five when the twins are born. And the twins will be the same age. So I'll have children who have that big gap in their ages that seems to smooth over a lot of difficulties with siblings. I'll also have a helper in Sam when the babies are little, and I'll get to see her mentor them and teach them. At least, that's how I imagine it. And I'll also have two children who are so close in age that they have that potential bond that we all imagine twins can have. Of course, they might not get along at all, but there is that potential for closeness. The age-gap between Sam and the babies is wide enough that I feared I would miss out on a lot of the interaction between the children that people say is so amazing when you have a second. Sam still won't have that experience of a sibling close to her own age, but the twins will have it with each other, and I think Sam will be old enough that even she will enjoy watching that. It's really makes for quite a nice little family, I think.
Oh, man. A family of five. Not so little. Is this really happening?