Tuesday, June 28, 2011

27 Weeks

Back in February and March, I was so concerned about whether I'd be able to make the trip to OCON at 27 weeks pregnant with twins. And now we're leaving tomorrow. Woohoo! I can't believe I'm really here, in this place right now.

Everything in this pregnancy is going right. There are no signs of any health problems for me or for Leo or Zoe. There are no signs of pre-term labor. I'm not unduly uncomfortable, as some warned that I might be by this time. All tests are normal. Both babies measure exactly where they should be, and they are pretty much the same size (which is important). There's just no reason to worry.

But still, I do. I guess I'm not going to have a totally blissful pregnancy. I'm approaching the end game and now and my worries have just shifted from miscarriage to genetic defects to premature delivery - all groundless. Oh well. I'm doing the best I can. I don't dwell on my worries, but beating them down does take away from the overall joy of the whole experience. I still can't say out loud, "I'm having two babies" without a tiny qualifier going off in my head: "I hope." It's a tiny, weak voice, but it is always there. I suppose some people live with that voice in their head for everything they do in life. That is sad. It should not be normal. But I can see how repeated tragedies can do that to a person. It will probably take years of work for me to expunge these bad experiences from my sense of life, but that is my goal. It's still just a little too soon.

Anyway, before we go to OCON, we're visiting Adam's parents in Florida for a couple of days, and then after OCON we'll drive back and see them again. I haven't mentioned it here before, but Adam's dad is sick. He was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer about two months ago. There is no such thing as recovery from pancreatic cancer. We don't know how much longer we'll have with him, but he is fighting hard for as much time as he can get. So we're trying to see them as often as possible right now.

I've never gone through an illness of a loved-one before. I used to fear it. Now that it's happening, the fear is gone. It just is what it is. And we're doing what we can. Right now, Adam's dad is here and we're busy loving and valuing him. All the sadness and grief is there, but I'm also experiencing the stereotypical feeling of a greater appreciation for life. With the babies coming, life and death are in stark relief for me right now. It's kind of an amazing place to be. And I think, if I continue to use my mind to process all of this properly, it will all help to achieve that goal of banishing the irrational fears and returning to a more benevolent perspective on life. In fact, I think that ultimately all of this that I've gone through in the past few years is going to help me achieve more peace and more happiness than I ever had before.

Life is good.

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