I haven't been doing very well appreciating the little things lately. Moving really sent me into a tailspin. You see, I have time sickness.
Barbara Sher, in, "I Could Do Anything if I Only Knew What It Was," calls time sickness, "a form of hysteria that makes you believe you must fill every waking hour going after what you want, that everything must be done at once because time is about to end. You have no sense of the future, the leisurely course that time actually takes in most of our lives."
The concept of time sickness gave me so much insight into this problem I've had for as long as I can remember. It helped me to figure out that I want to be a writer (since I could let go of the idea that I had to be perfect immediately) and it was part of the inspiration for the theme of this blog. I knew something about this problem of mine before, but it makes all the difference in the world to have a clear definition and the memorable term, "time sickness" to hold as shorthand in my head. Every time I start getting the feeling, "I shouldn't be wasting time doing this because I have 15 other, more important things on my to-do list for the day," I try to ask myself if that is really true or if it is just my time sickness. It's ALWAYS my time sickness. The feeling is strongest when I'm doing things like brushing my teeth, eating, taking a shower, or talking on the phone with a friend. For some reason, I consider those things "expendable," and I think I should be doing things like paying the bills, planning activities to do with Sam, or cleaning the house. But when I'm paying the bills, planning activities to do with Sam, or cleaning the house, I think, "I really shouldn't be doing this; I should be submitting article ideas to magazines or taking a nap." There is no time when I am satisfied that I am doing what I should be doing. There is no time when I allow myself to fully live in the moment without a nagging sense of guilt that there are things still undone. I am always in a rush and I'm always exhausted from the marathon that I run every single day. Time sickness.
So I've been working on it and I've been improving. But our recent move threw me for a loop. My to-do list grew to a length that overwhelmed my ability to be self-aware. We only plan to live in this rental house for a year while we explore the DC suburbs for a place we want to buy, so I had it in my head that I couldn't start living until I got the house unpacked and organized. I would not allow myself to focus on anything else because I felt if I didn't rush through it I'd be unpacking the whole time we were here and I'd be in a permanent state of "moving" for the next year and a half. While it is true that moving sucks, my time sickness compels me to make it much worse than it actually is. In reality, if I just went on with life, unpacking a little bit each day and not worrying about how long it would take, I wouldn't mind the unpacking so much at all, and it probably would get done just as quickly.
I'm just getting over this relapse now. I got my hair cut last week, something I would not have allowed myself to "waste" time on a few weeks ago. I'm starting to spend more time just being with Sam, not doing anything in particular, but just watching her or tickling her or waiting to see what she wants to do next. I'm working on it. And even though I'm not perfect, I'm once again starting to enjoy the process of working on it.
I too suffer from time sickness. If you could see the planner I use to organize my diverse obligations, you could diagnose me in a second. This planner is with me at all times like a Linus blanket. I find the problem even further exacerbated by the fact that, since I graduated college and started a career I love, my planner is filled with productive to-do's that I would otherwise love. Were it not for the time sickness cracking the whip on my back, I would otherwise get a delicious burst of pride and satisfaction completing these tasks.
ReplyDeleteThat's the real tragedy of time sickness, it turns the productive joys of life into duties. I've recognized this tendency in me for a while now, but like you said, it's good to have a name for these things, especially illusive psychological phenomena.
The way you spend time with Sam as a remedy for time sickness reminds me of something I've been doing to help my time sickness. I force myself to see relaxing activities as useful. Taking a nap, or a walk, or time out to make a nice meal do help your bottom line. They give you the time to rest and organize your thoughts, etc. When I feel the tug of time sickness I just say to myself, "walks are productive, too."
Great post, Amy. Time sickness sounds a lot like perfectionism. I hope you're taking it easy and enjoying living in the moment. One thing that works for me when I get stuck like that: scheduling an hour of free time -- it could be filled writing in your journal over a cup of tea or doing absolutely nothing -- and recharging the batteries.
ReplyDelete[...] is nothing new, and it’s entirely predictable that it would crop up again while we’re in this [...]
ReplyDeleteI think I may suffer a case of time sickness. In most cases everything around me seems to go by to fast without much enjoyment, weekends pass in seconds and weeks pass in minutes. And seemingly endless, I feel driven by a motor, same thing same routine. And just like that BOOM a year gone. My life feels like its been progressively speeding up each year...
ReplyDelete-Dylan Iglehart (age 12)