Friday, October 21, 2011

egg donor

So far, I have no qualms at all about having used the egg donor. It's not that I feel the same about Zoe and Leo as I would have about children with my own genes. There are differences. I can't look at them and say to Adam, "We made them." Even though we did make them in an even more deliberate way than we made Sam, I don't feel that sense of having created them out of nothing that I have with her. That's a real loss. I can face that. But that mystery that I mentioned - that is a positive. It's hard to describe, but it's just kind of exciting. I think I just like the idea of having three very different children, and having to learn how to relate to each of them. I also know that the love that I feel for them comes from all the things that are more important than genes: our choice to make them, their uniqueness, and the relationships that we are forging. Then I look back at Samantha and I know much more clearly what part of my love for her comes from her being a mini-me. It definitely is part of what I feel for her, and since she'll always be my only child in that way, it is precious to me. But I'm pleased to know that most of my feelings for her do indeed come from everything else: how we've raised her, her own personality and choices, and all the shared experiences we have as a family.

So, the egg-donation is really a non-issue. Despite what I've just said, I hardly ever think about it. Leo and Zoe are my children, and Adam's children, 100%. What is more interesting is how my feelings for Samantha have changed and how I see all of them differently now that we have more than one. That is an adjustment that I'm still working on. And I'll have to write about it some other time.


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