Everything is okay! I called my OB (I'll call him Dr. K.) and got in this morning for an emergency ultrasound, and Thing 1 and Thing 2 are fine. I could hardly believe it. I was already planning to cancel all my appointments for the week in preparation for the dreaded D&C. I was sure they were gone.
I really freaked out because, along with the blood, I lost my belly. Seriously, it just flattened out and the skin became looser. The hard little bump was gone and there was just my usual fat belly. It didn't make any sense because it's not like I bled that much, but that flat belly is what made me more nervous than anything. Then, last night, the hard little bump came back. But then it was gone again this morning. Then it was there right before my shower, but then it was gone after my shower. When I told Dr. K. about this I said that I must have just been imagining it, but he said that it was possible that it could fluctuate like that and it was probably just a coincidence. He said that trying to make any predictions or assumptions based on any pregnancy "symptoms" was futile.
He also found what may be the cause of my bleeding - he could see some hemorraghing or clotting or something in my uterus - far away from the two sacs. There was a name for it but I put it out of my mind explicitly, because he said, "Now don't go Googling it. It will scare you for no reason." Apparently, some people do think there is a correlation with higher miscarriage rates when this thing occurs, but it's not certain, and I guess Dr. K. doesn't buy it or thinks whatever possible elevated risk there is is so small that it is not worth considering. So I put the name out of my mind. Both Adam and I trust this doctor a lot.
Because of this thing, I will probably have more bleeding, which is both depressing and good to know. I asked Dr. K. if this thing was the main reason for spotting in early pregnancy and he said, "It's one reason. The biggest reason is 'Unknown.'" So I'm kind of lucky that he saw anything because knowing a cause that is probably not a problem for the pregnancy is just about the best reassurance I could get.
I asked him how much bleeding would be cause for real concern. He said, "Really, if it's like a heavy period, then it might be a problem." But he also said that I should make a decision to come back for an ultrasound based on my comfort-level and my own psychology. I'm not sure what the insurance billing code for "emergency ultrasound due to crazy woman" is, but apparently, he has it and he's willing to use it.
This whole pregnancy has been insane. I feel insane. Adam cancelled his business trip yesterday because I was too depressed and anxious to function. I needed him here. I didn't get out of bed all weekend. I couldn't handle the thought of going to an ultrasound without him, and I really felt that I had to get an ultrasound early this week.
So I'm back to being fully optimistic. I don't mean I'm sure nothing will go wrong, but just that I have no reason to be concerned. I know I'm a total nutcase, swinging back and forth every few days, but I there is nothing I can do about it. Between my past experiences, all the unknowns, the newness of TWINS, the horrible bleeding, not to mention my pregnancy hormones which make rationality a long lost friend, I think I'm just going to have to hang on until this roller coaster comes to a full and complete stop.
Monday, February 14, 2011
Sunday, February 13, 2011
Badness Update
I'm only going to do a quick update here and then I'm not going to blog anymore about it because I didn't intend to make this a play-by-play. There was no more blood last night, but there was this morning. Old blood. Less concern with that, I think, but not as good as nothing at all.
Adam is going on a trip this afternoon and will be gone for three days. This is killing me, but there's no reason for him to cancel at this point. I'm going to have to do the injections instead of the suppositories now, which is stressing me out. And if something bad happens when he is gone, it will be awful. Also, I just want to crawl into a hole and sleep for the next ten days and wake up to the results of the next ultrasound. I don't know how I can wait that long. I don't want to brush my teeth or shower. The idea that I'll have to feed and care for Sam by myself for the next three days is overwhelming. Even the thought of feeding the fish seems like an impossible burden. But I know I will do it. It's just a nightmare.
Assume that no news is good news. I can't deal with the extra burden of blogging, either.
Adam is going on a trip this afternoon and will be gone for three days. This is killing me, but there's no reason for him to cancel at this point. I'm going to have to do the injections instead of the suppositories now, which is stressing me out. And if something bad happens when he is gone, it will be awful. Also, I just want to crawl into a hole and sleep for the next ten days and wake up to the results of the next ultrasound. I don't know how I can wait that long. I don't want to brush my teeth or shower. The idea that I'll have to feed and care for Sam by myself for the next three days is overwhelming. Even the thought of feeding the fish seems like an impossible burden. But I know I will do it. It's just a nightmare.
Assume that no news is good news. I can't deal with the extra burden of blogging, either.
Saturday, February 12, 2011
Badness
I just saw more blood. Much more than before, but still, not too much. But very different. And this time I could feel that something was wrong. The next few hours will tell. If it stops, I might be okay. If not, I'm losing one or both of the Things.
Badness. That's what we say when our pets are "unhappy." They have no self-awareness or understanding of what is bothering them. They just experience "badness."
I have no idea what is going on and there is nothing I can do. Badness.
Badness. That's what we say when our pets are "unhappy." They have no self-awareness or understanding of what is bothering them. They just experience "badness."
I have no idea what is going on and there is nothing I can do. Badness.
Friday, February 11, 2011
A Little Thing
Before her nap today, Sam said, "Mommy, I want to read The Cat in the Hat today because it has Thing 1 and Thing 2 in it."
Pregnancy Update
So I am now 7 weeks, 2 days along. Except for the spotting, which continues here and there, everything is totally normal. Things 1 and 2 are the right size and their heartbeats are both around 140 bpm. I had a bit of a scare at the ultrasound yesterday. The technician focused in on both of the sacs and I could see the embryos, but I didn't see the flutter in either one. Usually, I can spot it right away if it is there. It was probably one second later that the doctor said, "We see two heartbeats," but it felt much longer. Thing 2's sac measured normal this time, so the slight concern of a problem there is gone.
None of this means we're out of the woods, but based on my history and the facts we have so far, the most likely problems from here on out would be genetic. And I'm not worried about that. In fact, I won't need to have anything but the standard screening tests done. No amnio, no CVS, nothing. Because of the young eggs, I am considered "low-risk" for those problems. So the "most likely" problem is actually a very unlikely problem. I am definitely optimistic!
My due date is technically September 28, but twins usually come 2-3 weeks early. If I can make it past Sam's birthday on September 2, the Things will be well-cooked and ready to come out. Actually, they would probably do fine even earlier than that, but I have that date set in my head as a goal. There is a little bit of extra concern about prematurity because Sam was born over 2 weeks early. That is not considered premature, but it is certainly not normal. It could have been normal for me and for her, but it also could have been a problem that was never identified, and which could happen again. I'll be discussing this with my ob soon.
The spotting has continued, but it is very minor. When it began, my chances of having a healthy baby went down from about 90% to about 50%. (No, I was not freaking out for no reason. Spotting may be somewhat "normal" in healthy pregnancies, but it is much more "normal" when a miscarriage is imminent.) But my understanding is that once you see a heartbeat, the presence of spotting becomes almost irrelevant to the chances of success. I also think (but this is Internet information) that spotting is a bit more common with twins. So, I've learned to live with the spotting.
We have to continue the estrogen and progesterone until I reach 8 weeks. That's less than a week away! I will be so happy to be done with these shots. They are not as painful now that we're using a different oil medium and doing two shots a day, but it's a hassle, and there is always some soreness. I'm also a bit concerned that I'm having my first allergic reaction to latex, because of the band-aids I've been using constantly at the injection sites. I'm allergic to a few fruits, and there is a correlation between those allergies and latex allergy, so I was told to always claim a latex allergy with doctors, because even though I had never had a reaction, I might develop the allergy suddenly. I've done so, but I didn't think about what having band-aids on my butt 24/7 would do. I woke up last night itching like crazy.
Actually, Adam is going on a business trip on Sunday, so my choice was either do the shots myself in my thigh or to switch to the suppositories. I tried the thigh shot once and decided it wasn't worth it. It's a lot more painful that way. So I got a free sample of the suppositories just to hold me over until I reach 8 weeks on Wednesday.
As for pregnancy symptoms, mainly I have fatigue. I take a long nap almost every day. Sam pointed to my chest the other day and asked, "Are they getting bigger?" but I don't see it. I'm more clumsy than usual. Also, I've been feeling cold quite often. I need to ask my ob about anemia. Everyone wants to know if I have morning sickness and the answer is not really, but I have been slightly nauseated a few times. Some foods are repellent to me, but only at certain times of the day, and as long as I don't think about eating them, I'm fine. What makes me nauseated is water. Drinking a lot of water during pregnancy is important, but the damn stuff makes me want to puke.
I haven't experienced my favorite pregnancy symptom yet: extreme hunger. Actually, it would be nice if I don't get that this time around because it's a hassle to have to eat so much. But I do love the feeling that my body is telling me to feed the parasite, and the eating itself is the first way a mother gets to take care of her offspring. I have had cravings, though. Last night I ate buttered egg noodles and ice cream for dinner. That is not something I would ever do normally, not just because of the health issues, but because those are not foods that would ever satisfy me. But they did last night. I also bought some weird stuff at the grocery store the other day: potato chips AND tortilla chips, pepperoni (which I eat with Laughing Cow cheese - I make little sandwiches with the pepperoni as bread and the cheese as the innards), lots of soup, and, yes, I bought half-sour pickles. I didn't look for them. They found me, I swear.
I am definitely getting a belly already. I only have four pairs of pants that fit now, and because I didn't time the laundry right, I had to wear sweats the other day. A couple more weeks and I'll have to start raiding my old stash of maternity clothes. I've always gotten a belly early, but this is really something!
Another great thing is that my "mystery pain" is almost non-existent. This may be because I stopped exercising, but I really do think that the pregnancy is going to keep that at bay. I'm hoping that my psoriasis goes into remission as well so I don't have to use the topical steroids, but no luck with that so far.
My next step is my first appointment with my regular ob-gyn at 9 weeks. I delayed that appointment a bit because he's going to do another ultrasound, and I wanted it to happen well after the point at which I've suffered all the miscarriages before. I'm sure I'll learn a lot more about pregnancy with twins at that point. I'm trying hard not to get ahead of myself so I've done almost no web surfing on the subject yet.
All of this is what is going on at 7 weeks. Granted, I didn't get pregnant in the usual way, but still, it's a lot. I want those of you who have never gone through this to recognize that, when you hear people announce their pregnancies at 12 or 16 weeks, a lot of stuff has been happening that you never hear much about. I still have over a month to go before the 12 week mark! I'm letting you know, because this part of pregnancy is the part that nobody talks about. It's the mysterious part. It's the scary part. And we all usually go through it very alone. So next time you get the announcement: "I'm 3 months pregnant!" you'll have some idea of what that really means.
None of this means we're out of the woods, but based on my history and the facts we have so far, the most likely problems from here on out would be genetic. And I'm not worried about that. In fact, I won't need to have anything but the standard screening tests done. No amnio, no CVS, nothing. Because of the young eggs, I am considered "low-risk" for those problems. So the "most likely" problem is actually a very unlikely problem. I am definitely optimistic!
My due date is technically September 28, but twins usually come 2-3 weeks early. If I can make it past Sam's birthday on September 2, the Things will be well-cooked and ready to come out. Actually, they would probably do fine even earlier than that, but I have that date set in my head as a goal. There is a little bit of extra concern about prematurity because Sam was born over 2 weeks early. That is not considered premature, but it is certainly not normal. It could have been normal for me and for her, but it also could have been a problem that was never identified, and which could happen again. I'll be discussing this with my ob soon.
The spotting has continued, but it is very minor. When it began, my chances of having a healthy baby went down from about 90% to about 50%. (No, I was not freaking out for no reason. Spotting may be somewhat "normal" in healthy pregnancies, but it is much more "normal" when a miscarriage is imminent.) But my understanding is that once you see a heartbeat, the presence of spotting becomes almost irrelevant to the chances of success. I also think (but this is Internet information) that spotting is a bit more common with twins. So, I've learned to live with the spotting.
We have to continue the estrogen and progesterone until I reach 8 weeks. That's less than a week away! I will be so happy to be done with these shots. They are not as painful now that we're using a different oil medium and doing two shots a day, but it's a hassle, and there is always some soreness. I'm also a bit concerned that I'm having my first allergic reaction to latex, because of the band-aids I've been using constantly at the injection sites. I'm allergic to a few fruits, and there is a correlation between those allergies and latex allergy, so I was told to always claim a latex allergy with doctors, because even though I had never had a reaction, I might develop the allergy suddenly. I've done so, but I didn't think about what having band-aids on my butt 24/7 would do. I woke up last night itching like crazy.
Actually, Adam is going on a business trip on Sunday, so my choice was either do the shots myself in my thigh or to switch to the suppositories. I tried the thigh shot once and decided it wasn't worth it. It's a lot more painful that way. So I got a free sample of the suppositories just to hold me over until I reach 8 weeks on Wednesday.
As for pregnancy symptoms, mainly I have fatigue. I take a long nap almost every day. Sam pointed to my chest the other day and asked, "Are they getting bigger?" but I don't see it. I'm more clumsy than usual. Also, I've been feeling cold quite often. I need to ask my ob about anemia. Everyone wants to know if I have morning sickness and the answer is not really, but I have been slightly nauseated a few times. Some foods are repellent to me, but only at certain times of the day, and as long as I don't think about eating them, I'm fine. What makes me nauseated is water. Drinking a lot of water during pregnancy is important, but the damn stuff makes me want to puke.
I haven't experienced my favorite pregnancy symptom yet: extreme hunger. Actually, it would be nice if I don't get that this time around because it's a hassle to have to eat so much. But I do love the feeling that my body is telling me to feed the parasite, and the eating itself is the first way a mother gets to take care of her offspring. I have had cravings, though. Last night I ate buttered egg noodles and ice cream for dinner. That is not something I would ever do normally, not just because of the health issues, but because those are not foods that would ever satisfy me. But they did last night. I also bought some weird stuff at the grocery store the other day: potato chips AND tortilla chips, pepperoni (which I eat with Laughing Cow cheese - I make little sandwiches with the pepperoni as bread and the cheese as the innards), lots of soup, and, yes, I bought half-sour pickles. I didn't look for them. They found me, I swear.
I am definitely getting a belly already. I only have four pairs of pants that fit now, and because I didn't time the laundry right, I had to wear sweats the other day. A couple more weeks and I'll have to start raiding my old stash of maternity clothes. I've always gotten a belly early, but this is really something!
Another great thing is that my "mystery pain" is almost non-existent. This may be because I stopped exercising, but I really do think that the pregnancy is going to keep that at bay. I'm hoping that my psoriasis goes into remission as well so I don't have to use the topical steroids, but no luck with that so far.
My next step is my first appointment with my regular ob-gyn at 9 weeks. I delayed that appointment a bit because he's going to do another ultrasound, and I wanted it to happen well after the point at which I've suffered all the miscarriages before. I'm sure I'll learn a lot more about pregnancy with twins at that point. I'm trying hard not to get ahead of myself so I've done almost no web surfing on the subject yet.
All of this is what is going on at 7 weeks. Granted, I didn't get pregnant in the usual way, but still, it's a lot. I want those of you who have never gone through this to recognize that, when you hear people announce their pregnancies at 12 or 16 weeks, a lot of stuff has been happening that you never hear much about. I still have over a month to go before the 12 week mark! I'm letting you know, because this part of pregnancy is the part that nobody talks about. It's the mysterious part. It's the scary part. And we all usually go through it very alone. So next time you get the announcement: "I'm 3 months pregnant!" you'll have some idea of what that really means.
Thursday, February 10, 2011
Graduation Day
I just graduated from the infertility clinic!
We still have two little heartbeats, growing and doing just fine.
Next stop - the regular ob-gyn.
But first, I need a nap.
We still have two little heartbeats, growing and doing just fine.
Next stop - the regular ob-gyn.
But first, I need a nap.
An Apology Story
The idea that parents should never apologize to their children is so completely idiotic that I can hardly drum up the effort to write anything about why it is so important to do so. But usually, those of us who do apologize to our children tend to do it after yelling at them or grabbing them or something along those lines. Today, I have a good example of something more subtle that required an apology from me.
Sam and I were getting ready to go to school. She likes to brush her own hair, but she is not very good at it yet, and I haven't done a good job at defining for her (or myself) whose responsibility it really is. So most days, I try to talk her into letting me brush the parts that are tangled, and if she really resists, I don't push it. That's lazy parenting right there, but it's been okay because I'm not too uptight about her hair looking messy and she's not so resistant that she never lets me brush it. But still, it causes unnecessary friction, and it caused this morning's situation.
So we were in the bathroom getting ready and she told me emphatically that her hair was not very tangled, and that she wanted to brush it all herself, with no help from me. I checked and she was right - it was not very tangled - so I told her that she could do it herself today. She did her usual great job on the front, but the back was still a mess. Then she asked if she could put some gel in her hair. We don't do that every morning, but I always let her if she wants to. I told her that, sure, she could put gel in her hair, but only if she let me brush the back first.
She got very angry. She gave me a dirty look and locked herself in the bathroom. (She does this because she needs to be alone to calm down - amazing maturity, I have to say.) After a few minutes, she came out, but she was still mad, and she went downstairs. When I came down, she yelled at me that she wanted to be alone. I could tell that she was very upset, and I also respected the fact that she wasn't throwing a fit, but just expressing her anger and working on letting it pass. While I waited for her to calm down, I thought about what I had said, and I realized that I had tried to manipulate her. It was unfair of me to tell her she could do something herself, but then try to get her to let me help with a bribe/threat. And I've done this many times with things other than her hair. It's something that might be appropriate for a toddler, but it's not appropriate for someone mature enough to know that she needs to be alone to calm down.
So I left her alone for a few more minutes and she eventually came to me and started talking about other things. But I sat down at her level and asked if I could talk to her. I told her that I was sorry for what I said about her hair. I told her that it was unfair of me to tell her she could brush it herself, but then not let her use the gel unless I got to brush it. I told her that I should have stuck to my word and that I was wrong. I didn't tell her that I had tried to manipulate her because I thought that she wouldn't understand that word, but I wish that I had because that is how she will learn the meaning of those big words.
And even though I apologize to her regularly, she looked a bit surprised, and definitely grateful. Her face relaxed, and she said, "Yeah," and gave me a hug.
It was a nice thing. I'm going to have to address the hair-responsibility issue with her. Maybe we'll talk about it this afternoon and see if we can work out a system that makes us both happy. But, once again, I also have to update my view of my daughter. She is older and wiser than I treat her. I'm afraid this will always be the case. Keeping up is the hardest thing of all.
Sam and I were getting ready to go to school. She likes to brush her own hair, but she is not very good at it yet, and I haven't done a good job at defining for her (or myself) whose responsibility it really is. So most days, I try to talk her into letting me brush the parts that are tangled, and if she really resists, I don't push it. That's lazy parenting right there, but it's been okay because I'm not too uptight about her hair looking messy and she's not so resistant that she never lets me brush it. But still, it causes unnecessary friction, and it caused this morning's situation.
So we were in the bathroom getting ready and she told me emphatically that her hair was not very tangled, and that she wanted to brush it all herself, with no help from me. I checked and she was right - it was not very tangled - so I told her that she could do it herself today. She did her usual great job on the front, but the back was still a mess. Then she asked if she could put some gel in her hair. We don't do that every morning, but I always let her if she wants to. I told her that, sure, she could put gel in her hair, but only if she let me brush the back first.
She got very angry. She gave me a dirty look and locked herself in the bathroom. (She does this because she needs to be alone to calm down - amazing maturity, I have to say.) After a few minutes, she came out, but she was still mad, and she went downstairs. When I came down, she yelled at me that she wanted to be alone. I could tell that she was very upset, and I also respected the fact that she wasn't throwing a fit, but just expressing her anger and working on letting it pass. While I waited for her to calm down, I thought about what I had said, and I realized that I had tried to manipulate her. It was unfair of me to tell her she could do something herself, but then try to get her to let me help with a bribe/threat. And I've done this many times with things other than her hair. It's something that might be appropriate for a toddler, but it's not appropriate for someone mature enough to know that she needs to be alone to calm down.
So I left her alone for a few more minutes and she eventually came to me and started talking about other things. But I sat down at her level and asked if I could talk to her. I told her that I was sorry for what I said about her hair. I told her that it was unfair of me to tell her she could brush it herself, but then not let her use the gel unless I got to brush it. I told her that I should have stuck to my word and that I was wrong. I didn't tell her that I had tried to manipulate her because I thought that she wouldn't understand that word, but I wish that I had because that is how she will learn the meaning of those big words.
And even though I apologize to her regularly, she looked a bit surprised, and definitely grateful. Her face relaxed, and she said, "Yeah," and gave me a hug.
It was a nice thing. I'm going to have to address the hair-responsibility issue with her. Maybe we'll talk about it this afternoon and see if we can work out a system that makes us both happy. But, once again, I also have to update my view of my daughter. She is older and wiser than I treat her. I'm afraid this will always be the case. Keeping up is the hardest thing of all.
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