Thanks

My computer seems to have healed itself.  I hope we're not headed towards Skynet, but I'll take what I can get right now.

The cat peed in the litterbox and the dog has not thrown up yet.

Sam has a ruptured ear drum.  She's on the meds now and she will heal herself, but she was in a lot of pain last night and I had to sleep in her bed which means that I'm stiff and sore and getting by on very little sleep.  Still, it was worth it when I woke up to dim daylight, opened my eyes, and found her watching me with a sweet, loving smile on her face.  Then she touched my nose with the tip of her index finger and said "boop" just like I might have done to her.  It was just about the sweetest thing she's ever done.

So I have some Little Things, even today, to be thankful for, along with many Big Things like my family (and the potential for enlarging it), my good, good friends, my Best Job In The World, my travel plans, and much more.  And you know, writing it out like that actually makes me feel the emotion - not so much of gratitude, but of appreciation.  Thanks, Thanksgiving, you came just in time this year.

A Little Thing

Sammy [eating her crackers and butter]:  Sometimes I like to rub my finger in the butter and put it in my mouth.

Me: That's ok, as long as you aren't spreading it all over the table, but just eating it that way.  Does it taste good when you put it on your finger or something?

Sammy:  No, it tastes good when I put it in my mouth.

No Such Luck

Well, since I wrote the last blog post this afternoon, I've found out that we still don't have reliable internet access (and now Adam's computer is not working properly either), the dog has started chuffing like he's going to puke again, and the cat has not yet used the litterbox.  Oh yeah, and our brand new microwave, which has been replaced once, repaired once, and jury-rigged once, is making funny noises again.  Oh yeah, and Adam and Sam are sick.  I don't know what is wrong with this house but I feel like we're cursed.  Well, I was stress-free for a few hours.  Anyway, the point of this post is that I might not be able to blog much until I get the computer problems resolved.

Wedding Weekend

Whew!  We just got back from our whirlwind trip to Atlanta where we attended a wedding (congrats, C&T!).  I don't even need to write about it because Jenn (happy birthday, Jenn!) covered a lot of what we did on her blog - go check it out!  I have to add, though, that the dancing was so freaking awesome.  I hadn't danced like that in years.  I'm so happy that my pain was under control that night and didn't interfere with my fun one bit.  As Jenn says, Adam and I were crazy on the dance floor.  Those Atlanta folks probably think we're party animals now and I think I'll let them just keep thinking that.

We totally wore Sammy out.  She just refused to go to sleep at Jenn's house and Adam had to make the 1-2am trip to pick her up.  He's my hero - thank god he didn't drink anywhere near as much as I did!  But Sam is still catching up on her rest.  I didn't really plan on any naps for her and I think we pushed her way too hard the whole time.  I feel kind of bad about it - the poor kid.  She slept the whole way home on the plane and then went to bed without dinner as soon as we got home at 7:30 last night and then slept until 9am this morning.  I let her be late to school - sleep was more important.  Especially after the two massive tantrums she threw while we were in Atlanta.  This was not the first time that hotel security was called on us, but I hope it was the last.  I don't know what people expect you to do - muzzle the child?  The security guy suggested ice cream.  First of all, I'm not giving my child who is spitting and hitting and biting a reward for that behavior, and second, I really don't think it would work.  She'd probably throw it in my face.

On the other hand, I'm feeling rested and wonderful.  When we left on Friday, I had two broken computers, both animals were sick and puking and peeing all over the house, the coffee maker was broken, Verizon had just flaked out about moving a fiber-optic line (that they mistakenly ran through my drainage pipe!), and I was in a lot of pain and totally stressed out.  I think I got the computer problems resolved this morning (new router and new antivirus software), the carpet dried out while we were gone (man, it really is nice to be able to clean those FLOR carpet squares in the sink!), the animals seem to have recovered (we're putting the cat on Prozac - seriously), and my pain is much lowered (I got something of a diagnosis last week which I'll write about soon).  I still have a broken coffee maker and I have to call Verizon again, but it all doesn't seem so overwhelming anymore.  I guess I really needed a break.  I'm determined to go forward and avoid the build up of stress.  Luckily, Thanksgiving is going to be really mellow and we have no travel plans for Christmas, so the only real big thing for me to stress over is the donor egg project.  Think I can remain calm?  We'll see.

Okay, You Win

Me:  Okay, it's time to get out of the car and go in the house.  Can you clean up your poopy underwear while I make lunch?

Sam [whining]:  Nooooo!  I don't want to get out of the car!  I want to say here.

Me [turning around to face her]:  Do you think we should just stay in the car all afternoon?

Sam:  Yes.

Me:  I don't know.  I'm getting pretty hungry.  We won't be able to eat until we get inside.

Sam:  But I just want to stay here and have lunch.

Me:  All of the food is inside. Do you have any proposals?

Sam:  I think we should go inside.

Me:  Okay.

Sam:  But I don't want to clean up my poopy underwear.  I just want to keep my poopy underwear on for my nap.

Me:  Okay, but if you leave the poop on your bottom for a long time, it can make your skin hurt.  You know, just like when you eat too many grapes?  It can make your bottom hurt really bad.  But it's up to you.

Sam:  I think I want to wipe my bottom and put on new underwear and pants.

Me:  Okay.

Sam:  But I don't want to clean up my poopy underwear before lunch.  I just want to keep them on, because all the clean underwear and the wipes are upstairs.

Me:  Okay, that's fine with me.  [Later, as we were walking inside]:  Oh, Sam, I think I'm going to have to change my mind.  I can't sit at the table and eat lunch with you because you smell very bad.  Can you go clean up first?

Sam:  Nooooo, I don't WANT to!

Me:  Well, I can't sit at the table with you with that smell, so you can eat alone or you can clean up while I make lunch.

Sam:  Mommy?  Will you come upstairs with me while I clean up?

Me:  Okay.

The Miracles of Modern Medicine

It's official: We've given up on nature and we're going with science!

About a week ago we finished up the diagnostic testing necessary to enter the donor egg program.  I had had almost every possible fertility test, but Adam had to have some tests.  Since we never had a problem getting pregnant, male infertility was never at issue, but obviously we don't want to go forward with this radical and expensive step only to find out that there was a problem on his side.  We both also had to be tested for a bunch of common infectious diseases.  I'm actually not sure why, but whatever - we're clean.

Adam and I spent about 45 minutes together at my computer picking out our top three choices for donor, but the process is so dynamic that, by the time we sent our choices in to K. (our coordinator), none of them were immediately available.  So K. sent us fresh list of donors who were open and we picked another and we made a match!

We had to decide if we just wanted to pay for one embryo transfer or plan ahead for a possible second try.  Our clinic offers a package where you get two "fresh" cycles plus any "frozen" cycles made possible with frozen embryos.  A fresh cycle is when they take the eggs from the donor, fertilize them, and then transfer one or two of the resulting embryos to the recipient a few days later.  If there are extra embryos, they can be frozen and saved for possible future transfers.  The success rate is a bit lower, but still higher than our chances the old-fashioned way.  If you just pay for one fresh cycle, you have to pay a-la-carte for the freezing process, the storage, and the transfer of any extra embryos.  (You have to decide whether or not to freeze extra embryos before you know if you've achieved pregnancy.)  We decided to buy the "multicycle" plan, where all of that is included along with a second fresh/frozen attempt if necessary.  The only thing you don't pay for up front with the multicycle plan is the second donor's fee, if necessary.  Of course if you get pregnant immediately, you've spent more than you needed to but it's a good deal, and I figure that paying for two tries up front gives us a great exit strategy.  If we paid for each try separately, there might be more temptation to continue on indefinitely, or at least, to agonize about whether to try again. This way, I know right now that we aren't going to go on trying forever, but I also don't feel anxious that we only have one shot.  In fact, with the addition of frozen cycles, we might have more than two tries, and frozen cycles are fast and easy.

The other big decision was that we are going to do a "split" cycle.  This means that we share the eggs produced by our donor in this cycle with another recipient.  However, since our donor had nobody else waiting, we're sharing the eggs with the clinic (they provide a frozen donor egg service and so can use the eggs).  So, if the donor produces ten eggs, we get five and the clinic gets five.  We get the extra if there is an odd number, and if the donor produces less than eight, we get all of them.  This plan is much less expensive because we only pay for half the donor's fee, but we have only half the opportunities to create viable embryos. This is one reason that it was very important to me to pick a donor who had at least some history of producing a lot of eggs.  It's no guarantee, but our donor has produced an average of 22 eggs when she's cycled in the past.  The average at our clinic is 15.

Once we have viable embryos, we might have to make a scary decision: whether to transfer one or two.  Our clinic does not do more than two at a time because multiples (twins, triplets) are not considered a successful outcome.  We'll deal with that issue later, but I think since we've paid for the frozen cycles up front we'll feel less pressure to transfer more than one at a time, if that even comes up.  It's possible we'll only have one embryo, or even none.  Anything can go wrong at any time in this process.

K. is creating our "calendar" right now.  She has to sync up mine and the donor's cycles.  It's amazing - they can actively manage our cycles so that exactly when my body would have produced an egg, the donor is producing eggs.  The recipient's role is actually easier than the donor's.  I plan to document the whole thing here, but for now, all I have to do is take the birth control pills.  About a month from now, things get more intense, with ultrasounds, bloodwork, and more meds, including self-injections. Immaculate conception is scheduled for the first week of the new year.

'Tis the season for miracles.

Books for Me

So now that I've written about TV and books for Sam, and TV for me, it's time for an update on what I've read in the past couple of months.  I’ve read some really great stuff lately!

Psychologically, I'm still in great need of fiction.  Any non-fiction seems like a chore (except my Italy guidebooks).  I am in the middle of Objectively Speaking, a collection of Ayn Rand interviews, but I'm having to force myself through it.  I'm finding that there's not much new there for me.  I've been stuck for weeks in the middle section which is a series of college-radio station interviews.  The questions are intelligent but they feel planted, and Ayn Rand's responses don't feel extemporaneous.  This might be over-editing, but I suspect it was the nature of the interviews themselves.  Since I already know Rand’s positions on most of the issues, what I’m really looking for in this book are those flashes of brilliance – no, not flashes, but the consistent brilliance that she shows in her off-the-cuff remarks.  Hopefully I’ll get that in the third and final section.

From the book swap at my gym, I picked up Agatha Christie’s Funerals Are Fatal, which I found to be a complete waste of time.  I don't know why I keep going back to Agatha Christie, but hopefully now that I've actually written this down, I'll remember how much I dislike these kinds of mysteries and stop picking them up.

I’ve read two more Dick Francis books from the stack my friend loaned to me.  I was bored with To the Hilt, but I loved Risk.  I continue to be amazed by Francis’ ability to create unique, but always admirable heroes.  I'm sure that eventually I'll start getting all of his characters and plots mixed up, but for now, each book still stands in my mind as a unique experience.

Through my online book club, I discovered a new author that I love:  Elizabeth Peters.  I read the first book in her Amelia Peabody series, Crocodile on the Sandbank.  It was a benevolent, intelligent adventure mystery with the most interesting, admirable characters!  Rational Jenn has a nice post about the series and I agree with her completely.  I’m excited to have a huge new list of fiction books to read now that I’ve discovered this gem.

I just finished Enchantment, by Orson Scott Card.  Leonard Peikoff recommended it on his podcast and I’ve loved his picks in the past (especially sci-fi author Frederic Brown).  I also dearly love Card’s Ender’s Game, but I thought Enchantment was a bore.  I’m not a big fan of fantasy fiction, and this was too wildly impossible and irrelevant to the real world for me to find much of interest in it.  I also thought it was very anti-technology, the characters were average people moved by fate, and the plot was not very exciting.  That was a big disappointment.  I wonder if I missed something.

I saved the best for last, so if you’ve stuck with me so far, you get the prize.  Go read Ira Levin’s This Perfect Day right now!  Aside from Anthem, this is the best dystopian novel I’ve ever read.  This book has a real hero who moves the plot by his choices and actions, the plot is full of twists and turns that I never expected, and it has some great themes.  I haven’t figured out the overall theme of this book yet, but it’s rich enough that I know I’ll read it again.  In fact, I almost want to read it again right now.  It was that great.

I’m still (somewhat) determined to keep going with my Great Books project.  I’m stuck on Augustine, though.  I think I’ll have to modify my plan to allow me to skip things that are just too painful for me to read, or I’ll never make it through.  So that is on the near-future agenda, along with tons of other exciting books.  They are all lined up on a bookshelf in my bedroom, waiting for me.  I love that.