More Sibling Stuff

This morning, I discussed with Sammy, for the very first time, the fact that she might get into fights and arguments with her brother and sister when they get older. Here was part of our conversation:

Me: So, for instance, you might be playing with a toy, and Leo might come over and say, "I want that!" and try to grab it away from you. But it's your toy and you want to play with it and you don't want him to have it. What do you think you would do then?

Sam: Hmmm. I think I would tell him that there are a lot of toddler toys he can play with on his toy shelf and try to give him one.

Me: Wow, that's a great idea! I think that might work because toddlers are easily distracted. Now, we also have a lot of toys and things in the house that we all share. Like that book over there. That is not your property - it's for everyone in the house to read. What would you do if both you and Zoe wanted to read it at the same time?

Sam: Hmmm. I think I would tell her that I could read it and she could look at the pictures.

Me: Wow, I didn't even think of that one. Good thinking.

These were her own, original thoughts, based on all the principles we've been modeling and teaching her for the past few years. I was so impressed, not just with the content of her ideas, but with her conceptual ability. Normally, she is the "grabber" and Adam and I are the ones who suggest these kind of ideas, but she applied it all to this new situation.

None of this means that she'll actually do these things in the heat of the moment - that's something she'll have to work on when the time comes. But she has a solid foundation for the challenges of cooperation and conflict resolution. Not bad for a kid who was an only child for five years! It's nice to be reminded that, though I'm still confused and struggle with parenting issues all the time, I'm doing a damn good job.

Daylight Savings Time

I had a whole extra hour of Awesome yesterday.

It's amazing how much you notice a single hour of time when you have twins.

This got me thinking.

Scarcity is not a valid economic theory of value since economic goods are produced by man, and therefore by definition, not limited. That one is easy, the quantity of idiotic economists in existence notwithstanding.

But an individual's time is limited. It is scarce. So is scarcity a valid general theory of value? Steve Jobs explored this idea in his rightfully venerated Stanford commencement address:

Remembering that I'll be dead soon is the most important tool I've ever encountered to help me make the big choices in life. Because almost everything — all external expectations, all pride, all fear of embarrassment or failure - these things just fall away in the face of death, leaving only what is truly important. Remembering that you are going to die is the best way I know to avoid the trap of thinking you have something to lose. You are already naked. There is no reason not to follow your heart.

[...]

No one wants to die. Even people who want to go to heaven don't want to die to get there. And yet death is the destination we all share. No one has ever escaped it. And that is as it should be, because Death is very likely the single best invention of Life. It is Life's change agent. It clears out the old to make way for the new. Right now the new is you, but someday not too long from now, you will gradually become the old and be cleared away. Sorry to be so dramatic, but it is quite true.

Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life. Don't be trapped by dogma — which is living with the results of other people's thinking. Don't let the noise of others' opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary.

I love this speech. I love Steve Jobs. I love what he had to say here. But scarcity is not the ultimate source of values. If it were, hedonism would be the logical ethical ideal. Just maximize your pleasure. Nothing else matters. And the vagueness of Jobs' directives is evidence of this. "Don't waste [time] living someone else's life." "[H]ave the courage to follow your heart and intuition." He can tell you that time is scarce, and he can talk a bit about independence and pursuit of values, but he can't be much more specific about what kind of values he means or what it really takes to achieve them. I think he knew, in his own life, how to achieve values that went way beyond any kind of hedonism, but I just don't think he had the words to explain it.

Ayn Rand has given us those words. She was the first to have taken the next step, and defined a theory of value that is even broader, and yet more prescriptive, than scarcity theory. In her words:

There is only one fundamental alternative in the universe: existence or nonexistence—and it pertains to a single class of entities: to living organisms. The existence of inanimate matter is unconditional, the existence of life is not: it depends on a specific course of action. Matter is indestructible, it changes its forms, but it cannot cease to exist. It is only a living organism that faces a constant alternative: the issue of life or death. Life is a process of self-sustaining and self-generated action. If an organism fails in that action, it dies; its chemical elements remain, but its life goes out of existence. It is only the concept of ‘Life’ that makes the concept of ‘Value’ possible. It is only to a living entity that things can be good or evil.

And when tied to her view of the nature of man:

Man’s distinctive characteristic is his type of consciousness—a consciousness able to abstract, to form concepts, to apprehend reality by a process of reason . . . [The] valid definition of man, within the context of his knowledge and of all of mankind’s knowledge to-date [is]: “A rational animal.”

We come to the foundation of her ethics:

Man’s life, as required by his nature, is not the life of a mindless brute, of a looting thug or a mooching mystic, but the life of a thinking being—not life by means of force or fraud, but life by means of achievement—not survival at any price, since there’s only one price that pays for man’s survival: reason.

 

The Baton Has Been Passed

After writing my last post, I realized that Sammy is now at an age where I really should get her permission before writing all these personal details about her online. She still doesn't understand "online," but she does understand that I write stories for my friends. So after the last post, I asked her if it was okay for me to write stories about her and let my friends read them. She said No.

Wow. Okay. So I told her that from now on I would read the story to her first and ask her if it was okay to share. She agreed. I read her the diaper story and she loved it and said, "Mommy, thank you for writing that story about me." Whew.

So there might be a little less Sammy content here from now on, and I fear that my presentation will be altered because no matter how up front and honest I am with her, it's different when there is a little Sammy sitting on my shoulder as I write. I'll use my judgment to decide when I should seek her approval. I mean, I'm not going to read her every post that mentions her. But if I'm going to talk about toilet training or yeast infections or problems in school, well, she handles a lot of those issues on her own, so I think she is entitled to say that they are her private business. Good timing, actually, since I have two new little ones to exploit.  Ha ha.

And yes, this post has Sam's approval!

Graduation

Sammy just reached her last baby milestone: she is done with nighttime diapers. Last night she had her first dry night.

We had so much trouble with potty training with Sam that I just couldn't bring myself to push her on the nighttime thing, even though five years old seems way too old for diapers. We talked her into trying a couple of times over the past year, but she wasn't excited about it and she didn't even wake up when her bed was soaked.

Then, suddenly, she was ready, and she asked to wear her special underwear (training pants). She didn't wear them every night at first, and sometimes she would wear them to start out, but then she'd change into a diaper in the middle of the night rather than use the potty. I allowed her to do it her way. I suppose she might not be completely done with the diapers. I'll leave them in her drawer and let her decide. But her first dry night is such a big deal.

She's peed in the underwear a few times but they have some absorbency, so only once have we had to change her sheets. (And it was cleaning day so the maids actually did it for us!)  I'm sure there will be some middle of the night changing of sheets in our future, but what a relief that we've gotten this far without that ugly chore.

I am using rewards for this because I promised it to her a long time ago and a deal is a deal. We gave her a star for a dry night and when she gets three in a row we'll go out for ice cream. But I know that isn't what is motivating her, or else she would have done this long ago. She's just finally ready.

And that is our Sam in a nutshell. She does things on her own timetable, and that typically is slower than most children. But nothing we can say or do will speed her up. Then, when she finally chooses to do something, she does it expertly.

Another lesson to note for homeschooling.

Kids Can Handle Death

Well, as my Facebook friends know, we had to put our cat to sleep today. I won't bore you with the reasons and details - it's always sad and always hard to make this decision. But I did want to note here that we were completely up front with Sam about the whole thing, from the decision-making process to the meaning of death. Sam even went to the vet with Adam for the procedure. She had intended to watch, but at the last minute, decided she didn't want to see him actually die. She saw the first injection that relaxed him, then left the room for the fatal injection. Then she came back in after he was dead and petted him a little bit. She saw that he was not moving and that his eyes were still open.

I'm really glad we allowed her to choose what she would experience. If she hadn't gone to the vet at all, I don't think it would have been as real for her. And I was gratified that she was so independent in deciding what she wanted to see and what she didn't. I asked her if she felt sad but she said that she was really just curious about it.

I was really worried about how she would take this. She loved that cat. She tormented him constantly, but that was just the form of her love. She spent much more time with Jinx that Adam or I did. But the thing is, she doesn't seem too bothered by his death at all. I'm sure it will sink in a bit more as days go by and he isn't here anymore. But she hasn't shed a tear or even expressed any sadness. The worst thing for her seems to be seeing me cry. (I'm a big baby right now because of the hormones.) And one of the first things she said when she got home from the vet was "Mommy, now that Jinxie died, I hope that we can get a new cat. And when Toby dies, I hope we can get a new dog." I don't know if I should worry at her callousness, or if I should respect her value-focus.

Anyway, we had lots of good talks in the past week about death, expressing emotions, respect for life, kindness to living creatures, the meaning of pets, and how important it is not to allow the investment in your home be destroyed by the smell of cat urine.

Jokes aside, it was a sad day. Goodbye, Jinx.

Alone Time

This afternoon, Adam and our babysitter took over so I could get out of the house on my own. It was the best three hours I've had in a long time. I:

• went shopping at Bed, Bath, and Beyond and found lots of great accessories for our new master bathroom


• got the best massage of my entire life


• bought a roasted chicken for dinner, on sale for five bucks


• put gas in the car


• enjoyed the fall colors on a beautiful drive through the winding roads near our house


• caught "Cum on Feel the Noise," "Safety Dance," and "Dance the Night Away" on the radio and sung them all as loudly and as badly as I wanted to

Bliss.

 

We Have Contact

Well, things are crazy right now, but I do have to note this most important milestone yet: Leo and Zoe are aware of each other now! They interacted today. They were lying on their playmat and they were looking at each other and cooing and smiling and even reaching out for each other.  Awesome!

We haven't taken any 2 month photos yet. It's probably too late now and we'll have to try for 3 months.

Things have just been overwhelming. Adam's parents came to visit and that was good but exhausting. Then there was the Fall Fair at Sam's school which was also good but exhausting - our first trip out with all 3 kids and no help from grandparents. Then Adam went on his first business trip. (I hired someone to stay overnight with me both nights but it was still a horrible experience.) Then there was Sammy's Halloween party. It was her first real big kid party with about 16 guests (plus maybe 10 adult chaperons, all in our tiny house) and tons of decorations and activities. Total chaos. Kids loved it. Adam handled almost all of it (I've delegated the party thing to him and he's very good at it) but that still meant there was less Adam to go around for other duties for a few days. Then there was Halloween itself. We wanted to bring L&Z along in the carriers, but it was too cold so Adam took Sam and I stayed home distributing milk to babies and candy to children. Now both Sam and Adam have infections of various sorts and Leo and Zoe both went through their first colds. I thought I had a little cold as well but now I'm thinking it's just massive sleep deprivation. I'm not functioning well at all right now.