I have this mental set I can't seem to get rid of. It is:
"I am poor."
Adam and I were "poor" for so long. I'm sure everyone has different ideas of what "poor" means. What I mean is that we had to watch every dollar (although not every penny), and we had to live without a lot of things that would have made our lives so much easier. We shared one car for many years, which was not easy. We never bought a new appliance. We spent almost no money on clothing or jewelry. Things like a pedicure or a massage were completely out of the question. The only luxuries we permitted ourselves were travel and dining out, and we only did those in the most limited ways. But, we were never in danger of running out of money for food, or being late with our mortgage, or anything like that. However, we were one disaster away from that, since we had virtually no savings (excluding retirement funds). We were definitely living from paycheck to paycheck for a decade.
Only recently we came out of this state, due to a number of factors. Now, we have a little nest egg for emergencies, and we don't have to freak out if the dishwasher breaks and we need to spend a few hundred dollars to replace it. We can take those things in stride, as normal expenses. (And that's a good thing, since everything in this house seems to be breaking down.) We're definitely not rich or even well-off. We are simply "secure." It's a wonderful feeling.
But I'm having a really hard time getting used to spending money on certain things. I have it in my head that we can't afford babysitting, let alone any kind of child-care. So when I realized that we would have two toddlers right at the time when I'd be starting to homeschool Sammy, my mind was open to spending money on private school, but the idea of hiring a nanny for the twins (which will be much less expensive) never occurred to me until someone suggested it right here on my blog!
And now, when I'm facing the possibility of bed rest, my first thought was to call on all my friends, but it didn't occur to me at first that I could actually hire someone to help me. At least this time, it only took me about 24 hours to get past my block and think of it myself - I didn't need someone to suggest it.
So, I've hired the college girl who lives across the street to come and help me take care of Sam and the house for the next month or so - probably about 15 hours a week. (I had already hired her to be my mommy's helper when Leo and Zoe arrive and I still had a hard time realizing that I could do this.) I'm not sure exactly how it will work out, and I don't yet know if I'll be put on real bed rest or not, but no matter what, I need more help. I'll probably still need some help from friends if I end up on bed rest (I certainly can't afford to hire someone full-time), but I much prefer to be paying someone instead of taking "charity." I know my friends would actually love to help, but beggars can't be choosers, and when I'm paying someone I can rely on her coming at certain times, and to do certain things. That gives me so much more peace of mind. She starts tomorrow.