The decision was the hardest decision I ever made in my life, hands down. Hard because I know my son and I knew that moving him back would kill him--he would hurt like he'd never hurt before and I worried if it would ruin our relationship. He'd feel betrayed, he'd feel angry and upset and I wondered if making this change wouldn't cause more damage.
What interested me most, though, was her statement defending her choice to make this decision for her son:
I've known people who say that children should be able to make all their own choices. I disagree. Instead, it is my job as a mother to teach them to make their own choices by allowing them agency in limited, steadily increasing amounts toward the goal of independence and wisdom but until they're old enough to make all of their own decisions there are many things that it is my job to decide.
We allowed our son to decide if he wanted to transfer schools at the beginning because there was no reason at the time why that would be a bad idea. But once the warnings were there it was our job to step in and make the tough call to transfer back that he couldn't make for himself.
I complete agree with this sentiment and I believe Michelle made the right choice in this situation. Figuring out where to draw that line between allowing your child freedom and making decisions for him is tough. I don't have a clear principle to guide me here. Many parents I respect try to err on the side of freedom, and I think that is a good starting point. But when do you step in? When the child is in physical danger? When irreparable damage is certain? Likely? Possible? Maybe these questions will only become more clear as I gain experience.
In the meantime, I'm learning as much as I can from others' experiences. Thank god for the Internet! All of these stories are available to me. I don't get "advice" on-line. I get virtual experience. I watch what others do and analyze and assess. This is so much better than Hillary Clinton's village.
It is so hard to make a decision that you know makes your child miserable when it is in their long term best interest! I feel for the mom you are writing about. I recently had to tell Livy that she could not go to public kindergarten, even though she wanted to really badly. Her best friend started this year, and she was desperate to go with him. She was crushed, but her dad and I know that this is a decision she is not prepared to make. Really hard!
ReplyDeleteYou'll figure it out, Amy. I do try to give as much freedom as possible, but I'm not gonna let her do serious damage to herself, no matter how much she wants to. It's one of my biggest challenges to figure out when to step in. I make mistakes all the time, but the nice thing about it is, I can always change my mind, apologize for the mistake, and correct it.
Kelly
P.S. I hope you are starting to feel a bit better. I'm thinking about you and Adam.
This is the parenting tightrope walk--too much or too little, too often or too infrequently. I mess this up all the time. I'll second what Kelly said--it's usually fixable when I make a mistake. This weekend, I made a mistake in letting Ryan have too many chances (long story) when I should have stood my ground. Lessons learned on all fronts!
ReplyDeleteAnd I for one am dreading the teenage years! Every time I think something is REALLY HARD, then I read/hear about someone with an older child and I know that the things I'm dealing with are not so big after all. Like you, I love reading what other moms do--it's virtual experience that I hope I'll remember when the time comes!