Don't Call Me Stupid

Michelle at Scribbit has an excellent post today about how the word "stupid" has become the new f-word.  (There's also a fun poll at the end.) 

When I first started hanging out with parents and their kids I was shocked when they would reprimand the children for saying things like, "That show was stupid."  Even when a small child would say something like, "He's a stupid-face," the reaction was way out of line with the offense, along the lines of, "We don't use that word!  That is a naughty word!"

I don't believe in naughty words at all.  There are words that should be used sparingly, and with careful consideration of the audience.  These are curse words, and they are used for shock value.  If you use them too often, you lose the effect.  There are other words that can only be used to hurt and have no other purpose; the n-word comes to mind, and I'm sure there are others.  Even in this case, though, I wouldn't focus on the word but the intention, meaning, and effects, in guiding my child on this issue.  Of course, part of this would be explaining how and why a word like the n-word has become so hurtful, but I would not go about this by "banning" the word.

When I was pregnant, I thought that at some point Adam and I would have to clean up our language to keep bad words away from Samantha.  We have naturally started cursing a bit less around her, but we do not hold back when we want to use a curse word in an appropriate way.  That is pretty rare.  She's probably heard them all at some point by now, if not from us, than from other kids at school.  I have no problem with that.  At some point we'll have to teach her about how others perceive certain words, but I think it's pointless to try to keep a toddler from repeating things they are sure to hear all around them.  Kids also seem to pick up the words that are said with the most emotion.  Sam loves to repeat things like, "Hyper spaz," and "Aw, shucks!" (which I used in a story I made up - shucks is a word I would never use in real life!)

Luckily, since we haven't made a big deal out of any particular word, she hasn't used curse words to get attention, although I know she might some day.

Michelle's most interesting point is one that I hadn't thought of, though.  She contends that "the trend to vilify 'stupid' represents the shift in societal values."  In the new values, she says, it's ok to be crass, vulgar, and overtly sexual, but it is not ok to be intolerant.  How true this is, and what a great insight.  You can even see this phenomenon in the comments on her post.  Many people seem to think it is ok to label an action stupid, but not a person.  While it is true that it is important to distinguish between the two, and it takes a whole lot of stupid actions to make up a stupid person, as Michelle says, some people are indeed stupid, and it's important for children to learn how to identify this.  Judging people is a difficult and extremely important skill.  When we try to ban a legitimate concept, or "labeling," as many people like to call it, we set up a horrible disconnection from reality in our kids.  What is, is, and kids know it.  When they are not allowed to state what they know in their minds, it can only damage them.

Another point I would make is that "stupid" is a low-level concept.  If you are not familiar with Ayn Rand's epistemology, this means that a person does not need a lifetime of experience to understand what it means, whereas you need much more data and integrations to understand concepts like "inane" and "ludicrous," which Michelle says some parents try to use as substitutes.  Kids can identify "stupid" based on early observations of people's behavior.  This grocery store checkout clerk is slow and has to ask his boss many questions and he doesn't know what cauliflower is, while the other one is quick and notices the coupon on your package of meat.  When a child recognizes the difference and calls the first one stupid, he might not be correct in an adult context - we know that the first clerk might be sick, or angry at his boss, or any number of different things.  We might think he is probably stupid, but we wouldn't say it out loud because we're not sure and there is no reason to go out of our way to be impolite.  But when a child makes that identification, he is integrating what he knows, and that should be encouraged.  Of course, the parent's reaction depends on the child's age, and some guidance is necessary.  At the youngest age, I'd leave out the idea of politeness which is a concept learned much later.  I might ask what he saw that made him say so (just to make sure it is a real integration and not attention-seeking) and leave it at that.  An older child might be encouraged to think of alternate possibilities, or to be polite.

All-in-all, cursing is a non-issue in our house.  Sam dropped the f-bomb the other day.  She was in the tub and just started saying, F-you, F-you.  I asked her if she heard that at school and she said yes.  I left it at that because she's not old enough for me to even ask her yet if she knows what it means.  She's just parroting and playing with sounds and looking for reactions.  If she says it in the grocery store, I don't really care either.  Other people's opinions, be damned!