Mutual Respect

I mentioned the idea of respecting your child in an earlier post.  A lot of books talk about granting your child respect, but there is none better than Liberated Parents, Liberated Children, by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish.  Well, maybe there is one better:  How to Talk so Kids Will Listen and Listen so Kids Will Talk, by the same authors.  The first is written as a series of vignettes which exemplify good parenting principles, and the second is more like a workbook for applying those principles.

 

I've read quite a few parenting books but these two had the greatest impact on me.  Following the teachings of Dr. Haim Ginott, Faber and Mazlish develop six principles:

 

1.  Children need to have their feelings accepted and respected. 

This is the core idea of the book.  It was a tough one for me because I had it in my head that children are naturally whiny, manipulative, and are easily spoiled.  I didn't think about how frustrating it must be to have needs and desires but no way to fulfill them without help that you don't know how to ask for.  I also didn't consider that there is a difference between a person's feelings and his actions.  You can accept and respect each and every feeling a child has without granting license to act improperly on those feelings. 

 

2.  Children don't need to be given orders.

Children are not naturally uncooperative little heathens.  They like to help out and be a part of family life.  What they don't like is to be treated like slaves.  "Do this, do that," doesn't seem to get parents anywhere.  Faber and Mazlish suggest engaging a child's cooperation by pointing out facts, not suggesting action.  For example, instead of saying, "Put your shoes away," the parent could say, "I see shoes in the middle of the living room."  Kids are not your natural enemy, trying to literally trip you up.  They're just young, and don't always remember what needs to be done.  Show them some respect and remind them by pointing out the problem.  There are times that this might not work, but starting out as a dictator will never work.

 

3.  Consequences, not punishment.

This is a hard lesson to implement, but I'm impressed with the creative ways Faber and Mazlish have found to help children learn cause and effect.  One thing I would never have considered is to express your anger to your child as a consequence.  For example, after your child forgets to feed the dog for the umpteenth time, you can say, "I'm furious that you left Fido to go hungry again this morning."  I thought this type of statement would just teach the child to focus on other people's emotions - like a guilt trip - but if you are honestly angry, your anger is a consequence the child needs to suffer.   I would only use this method sparingly.  (Hopefully, you don't get furious until you've tried other methods!)  The authors provide many other clever ways of imposing consequences without using arbitrary punishments.

 

4.  Encourage autonomy.

This is an idea I already agreed with, but the specific techniques in the books were very helpful.  For example, avoid asking too many questions - it can come off as pestering or intrusive.  Also, don't rush to answer every question - give the child time to try to find the answer on his own.  This is going to be a challenge for me as Sam gets older.  I want so much to teach her, to tell her everything I know.  I'm really going to have to work on stepping back a bit.

 

5.  Use descriptive praise, not evaluations.

This idea caused another sea-change in my parenting.  In trying to encourage Samantha's accomplishments, I'd clap and say, "good job" so much that it started sounding hollow to me, even though I meant it every time.  How much more meaningful it is to tell her something like, "I see the shoes in a row and all the toys on the shelf - now that's what I call cleaning up!"  It shows her that I notice her specific accomplishment and it allows her to evaluate herself.  What a wonderful way to encourage independence!

 

6.  Don't label your child.

If you pigeonhole your child as "slow," "hyper," "brilliant," or any other judgment, and then turn off your mind to new evidence, your evaluations will always be off the mark, and may even cause the child to play into that role.  Faber and Mazlish encourage parents to help the child see all sides of himself.  This is yet another form of respect - an awareness that the child is still in the process of forming his character and should be given every opportunity to grow.

 

All of this adds up to a new way of looking at the parent's role.  We are not here to drum moral lessons into the child with lecture and the expectation of obedience.  However, this does not mean that kids need to be left completely alone to figure things out on their own, or that we must put up with intolerable behavior so as not to stifle their creativity.  First and foremost, we should see our children as human beings and treat them with the respect that we grant to all other individuals.  In kind, we should expect our children to respect us and the other good people in our lives.  Although they are people, we recognize that children are not fully formed yet, and need guidance.  Providing that guidance within the framework of respect will teach the child more than any lecture on morality ever will.