Four days ago everything was looking good. Today, not so much. Yesterday, I saw blood.
It was only a tiny bit, which is good. And one third of normal pregnancies have some spotting in the first trimester. But not mine. This is not normal or right for me. I had light spotting very early in my second miscarriage (at exactly this time last year), and then two weeks later it was over. That one ended on its own - no need for a D&C. I think something very different went wrong there. And that's why I'm extremely worried now. I'm counting on the donated eggs to save me from the genetic abnormalities, but this indicates something else might be wrong.
So I've had to pull back on all my happy expectations - again. And now I just have to wait - again. There's nothing I can do. I'm back in hell.
Sunday, January 30, 2011
Thursday, January 27, 2011
New York
We're off to New York tomorrow. Compared to last year, I've done almost no planning. We'll see Mary Poppins and have lunch with friends, but that's all I have on the agenda so far. I really wanted to take Sammy to see the Statue of Liberty, but I think it will be too cold. Somewhere in my electronic world, I have the list of things to do with kids in New York that you all helped me with last year. Maybe I'll find time tonight to do a little planning.
We'll be testing a couple of new pieces of technology on this trip. First, my iPad. I usually just rely on my phone and Adam's laptop. I haven't figured out too many uses for the iPad yet, but I think travel will be a good one. I'm downloading my first movie as I write this - Tinker Bell - something for Sam to watch on the train.
Also, we bought one of these travel vests for Sam:
It's a vest that a child can wear and strap in using a regular seat belt, instead of using a car seat. I don't see any other way to take taxis in New York with a child. It's not possible to lug a car seat around all day just in case you take that 5 minute cab ride back to the hotel when you're too lazy to take the subway. This vest is small enough to put in a backpack, and it's supposed to be pretty effective for safety. It will certainly be safer than what we did last time: putting an arm across Sam to keep her from sliding off the seat where she sat, unbuckled, untethered, and squirming like crazy. The big question about the vest is: will she wear it? I'll report back next week.
If this trip is half as good as our last trip to New York with Sam, it will be a fine time, indeed.
We'll be testing a couple of new pieces of technology on this trip. First, my iPad. I usually just rely on my phone and Adam's laptop. I haven't figured out too many uses for the iPad yet, but I think travel will be a good one. I'm downloading my first movie as I write this - Tinker Bell - something for Sam to watch on the train.
Also, we bought one of these travel vests for Sam:
It's a vest that a child can wear and strap in using a regular seat belt, instead of using a car seat. I don't see any other way to take taxis in New York with a child. It's not possible to lug a car seat around all day just in case you take that 5 minute cab ride back to the hotel when you're too lazy to take the subway. This vest is small enough to put in a backpack, and it's supposed to be pretty effective for safety. It will certainly be safer than what we did last time: putting an arm across Sam to keep her from sliding off the seat where she sat, unbuckled, untethered, and squirming like crazy. The big question about the vest is: will she wear it? I'll report back next week.
If this trip is half as good as our last trip to New York with Sam, it will be a fine time, indeed.
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
Seeing Double
I was really nervous about my blood test today, but it brought some news that rocked my socks off. I could get used to this! Here is the email from K.:
Okay, when a nurse hazards a guess about twins based on a blood test (not to mention losing control of her punctuation), you know it means something. According to Betabase (a self-reporting database of beta levels at various times during pregnancies which end up being successful), the median beta level for a singleton at 14 days post ovulation is 101, and at 21 days is 1240. The median beta level for twins at 14 days post ovulation is 206, and at 21 days is 2,520. Both increase just about 1000% in seven days.
My levels at approximately those dates were 363 and 12,700, which is not only way above the median for twins, but the increase is over 3000%.
Holy shit!
This news bowled me over. I'm starting to believe. Both of our little embryos might still be going strong. I can't imagine how neither would make it. I don't have any problems carrying a pregnancy. I'm in very good health. All my hormone levels are perfect. I don't have any structural problems in my reproductive system. I've never had any indication of problems with my body related to pregnancy, except the MTHFR issue, which seems to be a non-issue, especially with the extra folic acid I'm taking religiously. The problem has always been with the embryos themselves. Even my first lost pregnancy had nothing to do with my body in its role as host. And now there are probably two embryos, created with someone else's eggs. Things can still go wrong, but the chance of something going wrong for two, at this point, must be tiny. And they both might make it. The thought of twins is becoming more real and it scares and thrills me, simultaneously. I'm freaking out in the best possible way.
I'm still not breaking out the baby name books or taking photos of my pregnant belly, but I'm feeling excited. I've calculated my due date (Sept. 28) and I've written "1 week" "2 weeks" etc. on my calendar, every Wednesday, all the way through to "40 weeks." I'm almost ready to subscribe to a weekly pregnancy newsletter. Having to delete my calendar entries and unsubscribe from the newsletter caused me great pain with my first miscarriage, so these are big steps for me. If we lose this pregnancy, I'll be devastated, but I won't be any more devastated than I would be if I repressed my excitement.
I'm ready to start enjoying this!
Amy,
Good afternoon! More good news….the level went up to 12,700!!! This is a great rise. Also, be prepared….there is a definite chance that you have twins!!! It could still be one, but with those numbers…I would guess two!
Please continue all of your medications and we will see you on Thursday, February 3rd for your sonogram at 2:15pm!
Also, let me know if you need anything in the meantime!
CONGRATULATIONS!!!!
Okay, when a nurse hazards a guess about twins based on a blood test (not to mention losing control of her punctuation), you know it means something. According to Betabase (a self-reporting database of beta levels at various times during pregnancies which end up being successful), the median beta level for a singleton at 14 days post ovulation is 101, and at 21 days is 1240. The median beta level for twins at 14 days post ovulation is 206, and at 21 days is 2,520. Both increase just about 1000% in seven days.
My levels at approximately those dates were 363 and 12,700, which is not only way above the median for twins, but the increase is over 3000%.
Holy shit!
This news bowled me over. I'm starting to believe. Both of our little embryos might still be going strong. I can't imagine how neither would make it. I don't have any problems carrying a pregnancy. I'm in very good health. All my hormone levels are perfect. I don't have any structural problems in my reproductive system. I've never had any indication of problems with my body related to pregnancy, except the MTHFR issue, which seems to be a non-issue, especially with the extra folic acid I'm taking religiously. The problem has always been with the embryos themselves. Even my first lost pregnancy had nothing to do with my body in its role as host. And now there are probably two embryos, created with someone else's eggs. Things can still go wrong, but the chance of something going wrong for two, at this point, must be tiny. And they both might make it. The thought of twins is becoming more real and it scares and thrills me, simultaneously. I'm freaking out in the best possible way.
I'm still not breaking out the baby name books or taking photos of my pregnant belly, but I'm feeling excited. I've calculated my due date (Sept. 28) and I've written "1 week" "2 weeks" etc. on my calendar, every Wednesday, all the way through to "40 weeks." I'm almost ready to subscribe to a weekly pregnancy newsletter. Having to delete my calendar entries and unsubscribe from the newsletter caused me great pain with my first miscarriage, so these are big steps for me. If we lose this pregnancy, I'll be devastated, but I won't be any more devastated than I would be if I repressed my excitement.
I'm ready to start enjoying this!
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
Reading Sentences
I discovered something very interesting a few weeks ago: reading sentences is a separate skill from reading words. I'm sure all of my books on phonics and reading already told me that, but I don't remember anything about it. I learned it from Sam herself when she started reading to me from her Bob Books.
We got her the Bob Books a few months ago and she's read parts of them a number of times. All of the words are easy for her now ("cat," "and," "bag," "hat," etc.) but she would still make guesses based on the pictures and what she had memorized. She didn't seem interested in reading a story all the way through, and now I know why. She didn't really get the concept of reading words in a sequence to make up a sentence. I figured she would have learned this from the thousands of hours we've read out loud to her, but I suppose she couldn't really understand it until she did it herself.
When we were reading together a few weeks ago, she had the breakthrough moment. She would read a word or two - say, "Dot and" - but then she would get confused. She'd jump to the next page, or start the sentence over again, or just flounder. I realized that I had to help her understand that the series of words would add up to a unit. She knows that letters and words go from left-to-right (well, most of the time she knows that) but she still didn't really get the idea that if she kept reading, she'd get an entire thought instead of just a word. I don't really know how I helped her. I think I mostly just put my finger underneath each word to guide her. But within a few minutes, she got it - I guess she was just mentally ready this time. I observed her go from confusion to understanding. I knew when she made the mental connection by the pride in her voice when she read, "Mat sat on Sam." (It's a nice coincidence that the main character in the first book is named Sam.) I could just hear it in her voice - that "aha" moment. And I could also hear it in the fluid way she read the sentence as a whole. She had never done that before. It was an awesome moment.
Now I have to go back to my phonics books and find out if they really do address this. In the meantime, I'm really glad we got Sam the Bob Books.
We got her the Bob Books a few months ago and she's read parts of them a number of times. All of the words are easy for her now ("cat," "and," "bag," "hat," etc.) but she would still make guesses based on the pictures and what she had memorized. She didn't seem interested in reading a story all the way through, and now I know why. She didn't really get the concept of reading words in a sequence to make up a sentence. I figured she would have learned this from the thousands of hours we've read out loud to her, but I suppose she couldn't really understand it until she did it herself.
When we were reading together a few weeks ago, she had the breakthrough moment. She would read a word or two - say, "Dot and" - but then she would get confused. She'd jump to the next page, or start the sentence over again, or just flounder. I realized that I had to help her understand that the series of words would add up to a unit. She knows that letters and words go from left-to-right (well, most of the time she knows that) but she still didn't really get the idea that if she kept reading, she'd get an entire thought instead of just a word. I don't really know how I helped her. I think I mostly just put my finger underneath each word to guide her. But within a few minutes, she got it - I guess she was just mentally ready this time. I observed her go from confusion to understanding. I knew when she made the mental connection by the pride in her voice when she read, "Mat sat on Sam." (It's a nice coincidence that the main character in the first book is named Sam.) I could just hear it in her voice - that "aha" moment. And I could also hear it in the fluid way she read the sentence as a whole. She had never done that before. It was an awesome moment.
Now I have to go back to my phonics books and find out if they really do address this. In the meantime, I'm really glad we got Sam the Bob Books.
Friday, January 21, 2011
Our Egg Donor
So many of you have asked to know more about our egg donor that I thought I'd indulge your curiosity. I double-checked with the clinic, and confirmed that it is okay to share some highlights with you. (If you are looking for a great way to procrastinate, you can see everything we know about her, including her childhood photos, by going to GIVF's donor database and looking up donor #1021. I'm not even going to include a link but it's pretty easy to find.) The only things we are not allowed to share with you (or even with our family) are her adult photos. We are also not allowed to attempt to identify or to contact her, so if by some crazy coincidence, this person sounds familiar to you, please just don't tell me. This woman gave me the chance to have another child and the last thing I want to do is to put her anonymity at risk.
As I've said before, we picked our donor based on five main factors:
But here are some other interesting things about her:
I'm obsessing about these details much more now than I did during the selection process. I wonder about her, and I go back to her photos often just to imprint her face on my psyche. I figure that I should get familiar with her face so that if one or two of these embryos make it, I won't be shocked at the stranger that comes out of my body. But when Sam came out of my body, she was completely foreign to me. She didn't look anything like what I had expected. (Read this beautiful musing about prenatal versus postpartum bonding if you want to know what I mean in a way that I can't express nearly as well.) So I suppose it's silly, but that's where I'm at right now. And I suppose I wrote this today, not just to satisfy your curiosity, but to satisfy my own need to share yet another important part of this whole process.
As I've said before, we picked our donor based on five main factors:
- She was Caucasian
- She was available
- She had a good history of producing many eggs
- She was not shorter than 5'3"
- We liked her photos
But here are some other interesting things about her:
- She is 29 years old. (I did prefer someone in her twenties. The clinic allows donors up to age 35, but fertility rates already start declining by that age, so I think that's risky.)
- She is a police officer and plans to go to law school (I really have a thing for lawyers, I guess).
- She is 100% Italian, although I assume she was born in the U.S.
- She is 5'5" tall, weighs 120 pounds, and is athletic.
- She has brown hair and large, wide-set brown eyes. (We really wanted a blonde, and there were a couple that looked remarkably like me, but they didn't work for one reason or another.)
- Her adult photos remind me of my best friend from childhood which is the main reason I liked her photos so much (yes, that's you, Stace!).
- She has 20/20 vision. Now that's a nice genetic gift!
- She comes from what I guess you'd call a "blue-collar" background. (I hate that term, but I don't know a better one.) Her father and many of her male relatives work in construction and she is the first in her family to finish college, unless you count two of her aunts. (Yes, they collect information on her aunts' and uncles' educational levels - crazy!)
- She loves dogs.
- She lists "reading" as one of her interests. I still don't think genetics are relevant here, but that's a nice thing to see.
- She claims she can eat anything and not gain weight. Of course, she is 29, but still.
I'm obsessing about these details much more now than I did during the selection process. I wonder about her, and I go back to her photos often just to imprint her face on my psyche. I figure that I should get familiar with her face so that if one or two of these embryos make it, I won't be shocked at the stranger that comes out of my body. But when Sam came out of my body, she was completely foreign to me. She didn't look anything like what I had expected. (Read this beautiful musing about prenatal versus postpartum bonding if you want to know what I mean in a way that I can't express nearly as well.) So I suppose it's silly, but that's where I'm at right now. And I suppose I wrote this today, not just to satisfy your curiosity, but to satisfy my own need to share yet another important part of this whole process.
Thursday, January 20, 2011
Family Movie Night - Toy Story and Babies
Over Christmas we converted Family Movie Night into Christmas Movie Fest. We mostly watched the stuff you can record off the TV: the claymation shorts and Frosty and Mickey's Christmas and things like that. As always, mine and Adam's favorite was The Grinch. Sam seems to be in love with Frosty. We watched that three times.
This past weekend, we got back into our habit and watched Toy Story. I felt the same way about it that I did when it first came out - it was okay. Usually I like a movie with a conflict between two good guys, but in this case, I wanted Woody to be good and Buzz Lightyear to be bad. I'm not sure why, but I just can't get over that. Sam liked it, and she's been drawing rocket ships ever since.
Another movie we've been watching a lot of is the documentary, Babies. First, I watched it on my iPad. Then I put it on for Sam to keep her busy for a few minutes. She was fascinated. So we've been watching bits of it here and there for a couple of weeks now. If you haven't seen it, it's a great rental. There is no narration - just scenes of four babies as they grow from birth to about one year old. One is from Mongolia, one from Africa, one from Tokyo, and one from San Francisco. The scenes are juxtaposed so that you can observe the differences in the cultures and also, the similarities in the babies. I enjoyed seeing the difference between the African mom (I liked her) and the Mongolian mom (I hated her). I also enjoyed seeing the African baby chewing on an animal bone that was lying in the dirt and then seeing the American parents using a lint roller to remove any possible particles of dirt from their baby. Hilarious! Now, whenever Sam does something gross, Adam says, "bones" and I chill out. But all the babies made the "mama" sound, they all put things in their mouths, and they all learned to walk. I see new things in this movie every time I watch it, and I think its a great one for kids, too.
This past weekend, we got back into our habit and watched Toy Story. I felt the same way about it that I did when it first came out - it was okay. Usually I like a movie with a conflict between two good guys, but in this case, I wanted Woody to be good and Buzz Lightyear to be bad. I'm not sure why, but I just can't get over that. Sam liked it, and she's been drawing rocket ships ever since.
Another movie we've been watching a lot of is the documentary, Babies. First, I watched it on my iPad. Then I put it on for Sam to keep her busy for a few minutes. She was fascinated. So we've been watching bits of it here and there for a couple of weeks now. If you haven't seen it, it's a great rental. There is no narration - just scenes of four babies as they grow from birth to about one year old. One is from Mongolia, one from Africa, one from Tokyo, and one from San Francisco. The scenes are juxtaposed so that you can observe the differences in the cultures and also, the similarities in the babies. I enjoyed seeing the difference between the African mom (I liked her) and the Mongolian mom (I hated her). I also enjoyed seeing the African baby chewing on an animal bone that was lying in the dirt and then seeing the American parents using a lint roller to remove any possible particles of dirt from their baby. Hilarious! Now, whenever Sam does something gross, Adam says, "bones" and I chill out. But all the babies made the "mama" sound, they all put things in their mouths, and they all learned to walk. I see new things in this movie every time I watch it, and I think its a great one for kids, too.
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
We Did It!
Nine days ago doctors put two embryos in me and today, I'm four weeks pregnant! Ah, the miracles of science - they can even warp time.
We did it! You probably saw my home pregnancy test result two days ago, but today it is official. The donor egg process worked! We are now in the same place as any twenty-something couple who gets pregnant (since the eggs are from a twenty-something). That is, we have a 90 - 95% chance of having a baby.
But no matter how good the statistics are, Adam and I can't feel anything but a little relief that we made it past the next step. It is just burned into our psychologies that pregnancy equals death. Our minds can get over that, to a certain extent, but not all the way. So I feel glad, but not elated or excited. Adam's reaction shows how it is for both of us: I took the home pregnancy test while he was still sleeping. I woke him up to tell him I was taking the test and he said, "uh-huh" and went back to sleep. Then I woke him up with "I'm pregnant," and I think he said, "good." Then I made him open his eyes to look at the test stick. He barely got them open, he grunted, and he went back to sleep.
But I am happy to know that my beta level is very high for how far along I am (and yes, I am considered four weeks pregnant in the crazy dating-scheme that the obstetrical profession has developed). For those in-the-know, it is a dazzling 363. The doctors look for 50-100 at this point to determine pregnancy. No wonder I was able to get a positive on the home test two days ago - this pregnancy is just rockin' right now! This makes it feel a bit more real. In fact, it makes Adam and I think we're having twins, and that level of beta hCG does indicate that twins are a realistic possibility. Well, then.
I have virtually no pregnancy symptoms, as usual. A few days ago I did have a ligament pain in my abdomen that is associated with pregnancy, and I'm tired, but that's about it. I don't even have the ravenous hunger yet, but I'm looking forward to that.
We've conquered the evil progesterone injection problem - I switched to a different oil medium and a lower concentration of progesterone. We now have to do shots twice a day, but the pain is so much less. I can definitely handle this for another month.
I'll have another beta test one week from now, to make sure the levels are increasing appropriately. Then, on February 8, I'll have my first ultrasound. I'll only be seven weeks along by then, and I've lost pregnancies a little later than that, so a good result still won't make me comfortable. But it will make the doctors at the infertility clinic comfortable, and they'll release me to my ob-gyn. I'm going to demand another ultrasound a couple of weeks later, even if my insurance doesn't cover it. If we make it that far, I might break out the baby name books.
We did it! You probably saw my home pregnancy test result two days ago, but today it is official. The donor egg process worked! We are now in the same place as any twenty-something couple who gets pregnant (since the eggs are from a twenty-something). That is, we have a 90 - 95% chance of having a baby.
But no matter how good the statistics are, Adam and I can't feel anything but a little relief that we made it past the next step. It is just burned into our psychologies that pregnancy equals death. Our minds can get over that, to a certain extent, but not all the way. So I feel glad, but not elated or excited. Adam's reaction shows how it is for both of us: I took the home pregnancy test while he was still sleeping. I woke him up to tell him I was taking the test and he said, "uh-huh" and went back to sleep. Then I woke him up with "I'm pregnant," and I think he said, "good." Then I made him open his eyes to look at the test stick. He barely got them open, he grunted, and he went back to sleep.
But I am happy to know that my beta level is very high for how far along I am (and yes, I am considered four weeks pregnant in the crazy dating-scheme that the obstetrical profession has developed). For those in-the-know, it is a dazzling 363. The doctors look for 50-100 at this point to determine pregnancy. No wonder I was able to get a positive on the home test two days ago - this pregnancy is just rockin' right now! This makes it feel a bit more real. In fact, it makes Adam and I think we're having twins, and that level of beta hCG does indicate that twins are a realistic possibility. Well, then.
I have virtually no pregnancy symptoms, as usual. A few days ago I did have a ligament pain in my abdomen that is associated with pregnancy, and I'm tired, but that's about it. I don't even have the ravenous hunger yet, but I'm looking forward to that.
We've conquered the evil progesterone injection problem - I switched to a different oil medium and a lower concentration of progesterone. We now have to do shots twice a day, but the pain is so much less. I can definitely handle this for another month.
I'll have another beta test one week from now, to make sure the levels are increasing appropriately. Then, on February 8, I'll have my first ultrasound. I'll only be seven weeks along by then, and I've lost pregnancies a little later than that, so a good result still won't make me comfortable. But it will make the doctors at the infertility clinic comfortable, and they'll release me to my ob-gyn. I'm going to demand another ultrasound a couple of weeks later, even if my insurance doesn't cover it. If we make it that far, I might break out the baby name books.
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