I'm a Hopeless Nutcase

Everything is okay!  I called my OB (I'll call him Dr. K.) and got in this morning for an emergency ultrasound, and Thing 1 and Thing 2 are fine.  I could hardly believe it.  I was already planning to cancel all my appointments for the week in preparation for the dreaded D&C.  I was sure they were gone.

I really freaked out because, along with the blood, I lost my belly.  Seriously, it just flattened out and the skin became looser.  The hard little bump was gone and there was just my usual fat belly.  It didn't make any sense because it's not like I bled that much, but that flat belly is what made me more nervous than anything.  Then, last night, the hard little bump came back.   But then it was gone again this morning.  Then it was there right before my shower, but then it was gone after my shower.  When I told Dr. K. about this I said that I must have just been imagining it, but he said that it was possible that it could fluctuate like that and it was probably just a coincidence.  He said that trying to make any predictions or assumptions based on any pregnancy "symptoms" was futile.

He also found what may be the cause of my bleeding - he could see some hemorraghing or clotting or something in my uterus - far away from the two sacs.  There was a name for it but I put it out of my mind explicitly, because he said, "Now don't go Googling it.  It will scare you for no reason." Apparently, some people do think there is a correlation with higher miscarriage rates when this thing occurs, but it's not certain, and I guess Dr. K. doesn't buy it or thinks whatever possible elevated risk there is is so small that it is not worth considering.  So I put the name out of my mind.  Both Adam and I trust this doctor a lot.

Because of this thing, I will probably have more bleeding, which is both depressing and good to know.  I asked Dr. K. if this thing was the main reason for spotting in early pregnancy and he said, "It's one reason.  The biggest reason is 'Unknown.'"  So I'm kind of lucky that he saw anything because knowing a cause that is probably not a problem for the pregnancy is just about the best reassurance I could get.

I asked him how much bleeding would be cause for real concern.  He said, "Really, if it's like a heavy period, then it might be a problem."  But he also said that I should make a decision to come back for an ultrasound based on my comfort-level and my own psychology.  I'm not sure what the insurance billing code for "emergency ultrasound due to crazy woman" is, but apparently, he has it and he's willing to use it.

This whole pregnancy has been insane.  I feel insane.  Adam cancelled his business trip yesterday because I was too depressed and anxious to function.  I needed him here.  I didn't get out of bed all weekend.  I couldn't handle the thought of going to an ultrasound without him, and I really felt that I had to get an ultrasound early this week.

So I'm back to being fully optimistic.  I don't mean I'm sure nothing will go wrong, but just that I have no reason to be concerned.  I know I'm a total nutcase, swinging back and forth every few days, but I there is nothing I can do about it.  Between my past experiences, all the unknowns, the newness of TWINS, the horrible bleeding, not to mention my pregnancy hormones which make rationality a long lost friend, I think I'm just going to have to hang on until this roller coaster comes to a full and complete stop.